Sam Adams continues to show he is an idiot

This world is full of people who ain't too bright.

A surprisingly large number of them are in public office. Portland, not satisfied with the embarrassments that were people like Bud Clark...the mayor perhaps best remembered for his "brilliant" phrase to commemorate Portland Trailblazer on-court success...

It was so brilliant you have probably (fortunately) forgotten it until I take the ice pick to your skull by repeating it..."Whoop! Hoop!"

Sadly, I dream for the days when the Penny Harrington-firing buffoon was in office now that we are subjected to the even more banal orchestrations of sodomite tax-stealing Sam Adams.

Now, on the one hand, Adams has nothing to do with the attempted bombing of Pioneer Courthouse Square at the tree lighting ceremony.

On the other, his quote about it is something I find so offensive, reprehensible, abusive, and flat out incorrect...wrong...an outright lie...that I feel compelled to bring it up.


"Otherwise, as the biggest racial group in Portland, we European-Americans would be in deep trouble."


Quick, by show of hands...how many of us were born in Europe?

Lets take it back a step; How many of us had grandparents born in Europe? Great Grandparents? Great-great....well, you get the point.

I can trace my genealogy back on both sides several generations without coming across anyone not born in...wait for it...the United States.

I have no British or German or French or Austrian or Latvian heritage.

Not that there is not some of that blood in the line at various points. Irish, Norwegian are the most prominent...though a couple generations removed and via people NOT from those countries.

No, Mr. Adams, the vast majority of us are, in fact, not "European" in any way, shape or form.

Studying a culture does not make us into that thing...if it did I would be Chiricahua, Nez Perce, with bits of Spanish, Canadian, Mexican, Irish, Italian, Scottish...the list could go on for pages.

Have skin pigmentation does not make us into some broad continental association...an association, by the way, that is not always clear. Is Russia part of Europe? Not even Russia knows...sometimes they have been, sometimes not.

Adams continues to show his pandering in his perpetration of a lie spread by the oft-cited "establishment"...the school system, government, the talking heads in psychological fields, the people who keep forcing racism on non-racists by creating definitions and then insisting they are true despite all evidence to the contrary.

They could be evolutionists if they tried a little less.

Citing a falsehood does not make it true, Adams. Joining the cries of political correctness might make you popular with the sheeple who follow the loudest bleatings...and who are occasionally even correct...but you need to do some thinking on your own.

I think that is what irks me even more than his ignorant, racist, hate speech is that I could have almost predicted what non-sensical bit of psycho-babble drivel he would spew.

Enough already. I think he did the impossible...got me looking forward to the next election so I can vote against him (again).

Highlighting a golddigger who is brainless to boot

So many fine candidates for this one...the Worlds Ugliest Trophy Wives (aka the Kardashians...wow, talk about some mirror crackers!), the Worlds Most Vacuous Hotel Heiress (Aka French City Hilton...take that how you like), Congress, etc.


But ultimately we come to a person who may have a point...to start with...but quickly degenerates into someone who makes Octomom look like a raging intellectual on par with Albert Einstein.

I speak, of course, of Curtis's female progenitor.

Short version: she alleges her child was slapped by a teacher.

If true...and there is not much debate of the validity...but if true, this is the sort of unacceptable behavior that should be dealt with swiftly with no mincing words. Slapping is not discipline, nor is it within the realm of being justifiable, particularly in a teacher-student relationship.

Teacher-boyfriend role play may be a different story...again, I leave that to you, gentle reader, in the privacy of your home.

But in a teacher-pupil relationship...an absolute and total no-no.

Unfortunately, the demands the mother then sets forth strain the bands of credulity. Check out the letter here.


I love some of them...the 21 day all expenses, 5-star hotel tour of Africa. The concert tickets, new car of her choice, orchestra and lessons for each, having all her utilities paid for the next 9 years, job consulting for 15K a month...for those of you with poor math skills, 180,000/year...

Later, it turns out for anyone to talk to her about it requires a 3k/half hour "appearance fee" for her, and the same for her husband, who must be present...and this fee, PLUS 1K/page apply for written correspondence.

No, I did not type that with a straight face.

Not only that, her trademarked son's name, her name, and her fathers name require a fee to be used in court documents.

By page 28 she is openly demonstrating her own racism that combines with her greed to create one of the most hilarious and simultaneously pathetic documents in recent history.

But page 31 might have the kicker:

"No H.A.A.R.P signal towards KMCO school district neighborhoods and schools to make us confused, crazy, stupid or otherwise alter our brainwaves - ever."

Uh, open memo to the author of that letter...too late.

Things like this put me in a quandary. There are entirely too many people creating racism out of nothing. Like LeBron James claiming the reason people dislike him leaving the Cavaliers for the Heat is because he is not white.

Open memo to LeBron; the reason some of us hate the move is because A) Cleveland has suffered a long time and it would be nice to see a winner, B) you are on tape swearing to bring a Championship to Cleveland before you left, C) the self-centered drivel that was your "The Decision" prime time special was clueless, classless, and dirty, and D) the WAY you left Cleveland, hanging them out to dry, announcing it to everyone else before them...classless and dirty.

William Rhoden, even the TITLE of your book, Forty Million Dollar Slaves, is offensive.

Jesse Jackson has become a punch line because of how out there he has gotten.

Oh, and lest we forget...Barry Bonds, the reason some people dislike you having the home run record has nothing to do with the quantity of melanin your body contains and a lot to do with your antisocial behavior and cheating.

So the female elder of Curtis managed to do something I did not think possible...appreciate the intelligence of Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, the Kardashians, Tila Tequila, Bret Michaels, Al Franken, Palin, Biden, Bush, Jesse Ventura, and a host of others I have long considered the epitome of bad jokes.

Thanks for nothing.

Parking Lot Genius Patrol

having decided I am too healthy, I headed off to the McArches to get some McFood of dubious (prior word applies to next several) origin, consistency, nutritional value and quality...but food I McEnjoy nonetheless.

As I sat there at the drive through window, I was able to watch a comedy of epic proportions.

They have about 8 parking spots pretty close to the front door. One guy had scored the second closest space and decided to open his door wide while he fiddled around with something in the passenger seat, thus preventing anyone from using the empty space next to him.

(Genius number one. Also a jerk, a selfish, oblivious nincompoop of Congressional proportions.)

Along comes some middle age woman in a Mercedes. Never mind why someone in an expensive auto such as that would select the McArches when there are numerous other, more nutritional, healthier choices...mamacita wanted her grease.

Well, two spots further from the door was an empty spot. But that was too far to walk. After all, walking the space of 2 car hoods is what...8 steps? So she pulled ahead and waited for Genius number 1 to realize she was there.

Genius number two...a self-important, pretentious, and let us not forget lazy, middle age woman.

So Genius number two sits there glaring bullets at oblivious genius one for...I don't know, 45 seconds? while he continued sitting there with his door as open as it could possibly be.

After quite some time...long enough for her to have parked in the first open spot she came to and made her way all the way into the store, by the way...he realizes with a start she is there.

He starts to shut the door, she starts to pull in...and he realizes his leg is still outside the car. She has to jamb on the brakes.

Yes...in a parking lot where she has been at a dead stop for the better part of a minute, where the max speed she could reach if she drove a Ferrari and stomped on the gas might reach 8 mph in that space...she has to jamb on the brakes.

I am laughing so hard I cannot even reach up to take my bag of empty calories from the window server.

She looks up to see what I am laughing at and has to duck her head back inside so they do not see her laughing. I, not constrained by workplace responsibilities, make no secret of my mirth at their genius ways.

So the guy yanks his leg in, backs out as quick as he can, nearly clocking a bypassing car, and speeds off.

Genius number 2, obviously shaken by the experience, pulls in at such an odd angle that her rear tire is on one yellow line, her front tire on the other yellow line.

As she gets out, I am thinking the only way this could get any better is if she forgets something in the car and has to retrace her steps, thus losing every bit of ground she gained by waiting for the 'closer" parking space.

I am wrong. It gets better. Without her going back.

This woman, ostensibly late 50s or early 60s, climbs out of her Mercedes. And I bury my head in the steering wheel with great, shaking heaves of laughter.

She is wearing jeans with...what do you call it, pegged jeans? Where instead of getting pants that fit, you get them too long and so roll them up?

No offense to those of you who wear these...but that is a complete tool move.

Well, okay...some offense, but then again, I am offended looking at them. Grow up.

Of course, that would be bad enough...just wearing more make-up than Jezebel, too lazy too walk 8 extra steps, going all Mario Andretti in a parking lot from 6 feet away, and being a matron wearing a teen-age bad taste fashion.


But the reason I almost had to turn off my car in the drive-thru of McNutrition was HOW she pegged them.

To about 2" below the knees. Oh, how I wish I had my camera with me!

The rights of the one mean more than the rights of the many

The idea that lawsuits may be frivolous is hardly a new one.

Some of my favorites are on this list...the man suing himself, the woman suing Victorias Secret, and the idiots at PETA suing the wildlife division when they killed a deer with their car (HOW DARE the wildlife division work to cause more deer to be born?).

And, of course, the poster child of all idiocy, the woman who was surprised that coffee that people requested be made hotter at McDonalds than other places was...*gasp* hotter.

I love that she has defenders who even sound reasonable and convincing. I guess...

I mean, sure, I personally am never going to take any substance with the possibility of instant mouth or genital mutilation anywhere near my mouth or genitals. Particularly in an unsafe condition such as...oh, I don't know, while driving when I should be concentrating on that...

But what I particularly like about the mess is that people specifically state they were getting what they wanted...yet the majority must be prevented from getting what they desire because one dowager is too stupid to handle dangerous things responsibly.

Open memo to her family; if she is still alive, PUT HER IN A REST HOME before she steals any more rights/privileges from those of us with functioning brain cells.

So what started this rant about an out of date bit of court nonsense?

The fact that we may soon lose some cool features from Google maps.

My good friend Mr. Riot Kitty recently showed me a really nice feature on Google Maps....namely, bike maps.

Now, here is the thing about maps...sometimes they have errors on them.

They also come with warnings...such as
Bicycling directions are in beta.
Use caution and please report unmapped bike routes, streets that aren't suited for cycling, and other problems here.

The word "here" on the website links you to a place to report them.

Now, I like to think I am a reasonably intelligent individual. If I take the route they recommend, I am still going to use certain things...like my eyes, ears and brain. If I happen to see a car coming, I probably will get out of the way.

If the route leads me to someplace I think is dangerous, I will ignore their suggestion and find another way.

Or I could just ride into traffic, get hit by a car, and sue Google for bad directions...

What is truly sad about this? I actually expect her to win, and if so...why would Google continue to provide this useful service which, I might ad...is free due to advertising. Lauren Rosenberg...I hope you lose. And if you are destined to win...I hope you follow some other directions and this time the car completes the job. Stop being an idiot.

The Geniuses in Oregon and the anti-Cell Phone Law

For those who either do not know or, to not know, more likely, do not care, Oregon, as of January 1st, has a new law intended solely to soothe the vocal political people.

I refer, of course, to the law that prohibits cell phone use while driving if you are holding the phone.

Now, I must admit I think the law is actually a good idea. Distracted driving is very dangerous to those of us who actually, you know, PAY ATTENTION to things going on between multiple 2-ton+ metal things moving at high rates of speed in close proximity to one another.

I assume that number is low based on the people I see merrily trailing the vehicle in front of them on rain-wet roads at 60 mph with a solid ten feet between their front bumper and the car in front of them's rear bumper.

And based on how often people notice their lane ends and decide to pass between me and the concrete barricade, even though i have a car immediately to my left and thus no place to go, and they are completely BEHIND me when their lane ends yet decide they must pass me after it ends. Yes, this happens almost every single week.

And based on the staggeringly high number of people who, in order to turn left across 2 lanes, get WAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY over to the right so nobody can go past them.


Whatever.

Anyway, clearly very few people pay attention while actually driving.

But they do pay enough attention that the brainless lumps of flesh in the state capitol got around to appeasing the greasy wheels and passing a law so we cannot use cell phones with our hands while driving, thus demonstrating our law-makers and many of the most strident activists combine to exhibit zero brain activity. Someone should check, they may actually be totally brain dead and still passing laws.

I say this because of the small, almost unnoticeable loopholes in the law. A few examples may be in order.

You may not drive with one hand holding the wheel and one holding the phone. You may, however, drive with one hand holding the wheel and one hand holding any of the following:

- a steaming hot beverage slopping out the top of the lid, leading to the very real possibility it will spill on your lap/arm/shirt/blouse/chin causing you to frantically search for a napkin/paper towel/old rag with which to stop the burning while weaving wildly back and forth.

- a freezing cold, ice-chilled beverage slopping out the top of the lid, leading to the very real possibility is will spill on your lap/arm/etc...you know the rest

- a food item of some sort with juices/toppings/condiments slopping out of it, leading to the very real possibility you will get food-related gunk dripping on your car or clothes leading to a frantic search for....well, you know the rest...

Of course, it is not just stuff you can hold. Other legal maneuvers far more dangerous, things I have personally seen, most of them repeatedly, that are far more dangerous include:

- Having your little adorable pet, usually a "toy breed" dog, on your lap as you drive with its head out your window

- changing the channel for your offspring on the overhead tv (are we really so addicted to video entertainment that we cannot drive from here to there without it?) IN THE BACK SEAT while driving.

- sitting so low in the seat you are looking through, rather than over, the steering wheel

- shaving/applying eyeliner/lipstick/make-up and/or combing /brushing/teasing your hair in the rear view mirror, your bulbous head completely blocking off any possibility of seeing what is going on behind or beside you int eh mirror and your attention in your favorite place instead of the asphalt jungle you are covering

- reading a map/newspaper/directions/book

- listening to John Denver, Brittany Spears, Celine Dion, or Guns & Roses while driving. The blood from your ears could easily get in your eyes and force you to swerve recklessly.

I am sure you, my loyal, devoted, and experienced readers, can think of dozens of other equally dangerous driving activities which are not covered by this law. Fortunately, the least dangerous activity is the one targeted by the loudest bleating, so even though the REAL problems are not addressed, we can all feel safer.

Much like we do since we take off our shoes in the airport. because, you know, those high-tech multi-million dollar security systems can only detect the bomb in your sandals/flip-flops/stilettos if you are NOT wearing them, but will not be able to if you are.

Seriously, does anybody buy into this nonsense? Anyone? Yes, I see that hand in the back. And who are you, sir? Oh, a Senator. In that case, it makes sense...

Yes! The title is where it belongs!

I know you were all following the tournament moment by grueling moment. Who would make the next great play? Who would out-smart their opponent and bring home the trophy?

And now we know.

It was an American. By the time the final two players were the only ones left standing, we knew it would be.

What a great day! Wave the flag! Sing the National Anthem! Let your national pride be heard, for once more the World Champion is from our great nation.

I just knew on that last throw that Tim Bulkin was going to throw Rock...good thing Tim Conrad covered him with paper to become the 2009 Rock-Paper-Scissors Champion.

Just how a professional makes a living in a "sport" where the grand prize is 7000 dollars I am not sure. Why they have separate "professional" and "amateur" divisions is also something I am unsure of.

Oh, well. At least it wasn't chess-boxing.

Hey, Snuffleupagus! Get out the way!

Stopped by Winco for a little light shopping. Come out and get my first fun note. I habitually park a fair distance from the doors just so people will not park next to me. Sometimes, such as tonight when my foot was bothering me particularly badly, this is at some personal cost. But I want to protect my vehicle as much as possible, so I do it.

And sure enough, right next to me, with about 40 spots closer to the store, some dude decided that was the perfect spot to park. Whatever.

Then, as I am pulling out of the lot, I see a great sight. A guy and a woman, possibly his mother, possibly his wife...yes, it was that hard to tell...are standing half in the roadway at a 45 degree angle to each other which meant they could not see each other.

And he keeps waving me through as she keeps starting forward with her shopping cart. So if I watch him, I would go just as she darted in front of me. If I watched her, he would get upset because he was waving me through.

This went on long enough that I turned off my car, put on the emergency break and sat there with my arms folded until they crossed the lane to clear a path for me to leave.

Thank you, redneck goonberries, for being so out of touch with each other that you manage to occupy the entire private roadway of Winco. Thank you for that 4 minutes of my life I will never get back. You are so awesome.

"And he advised others not to try the same thing"

Young people are sometimes...well..stupid. They do and say things they might regret at a later time.

This is one reason I always thought the inquisition of William Clinton was churlish and pointless. Did he partake of marijuana while a college student at a time when significant portions of the population were doing the same?

Much like "And?" is the correct answer to accusations of politicians doing wrong, the correct answer was not, "I did not inhale" but rather, "I did many things in my youth that age and wisdom have led me to a point where I would not repeat those actions."

For example, what if you were the guy who mooned a train, got your pants stuck, got dragged 200 feet, arrested, charged, and will face fines and lawsuits for coin of the realm far beyond what you are likely to possess..what would you do?

"...he advised others not to try the same thing..."



Really? That is shocking advice...





Oh, speaking of advice....if you go to that link, watch your eyes.

Guess I should have told you sooner...

Sometimes I do not even know where to start

Squirrels are fun. Apart from being a nice sub-plot in Up they also give great fun by luring Bella out barking into the yard even though they know she has no chance of catching them...she probably knows, too, but it is a great chance to run full speed and do lots of barking, so...yeah, that will probably continue.

Now, I am no squirrel expert. I do know squirrely because I see it about every day. I know squirreling away because I try that every paycheck.

But when I see a squirrel, that is pretty much what I see. A squirrel. Furry, bushy tailed, fast, agile, and not afraid to cross streets on electric wires.

Some people, however, see other things.

If your neck is red enough, you might see dinner or a nice dessert.

If you are a driver, you might see road pizza.

And if you are Welsh, you might see something that needs a birth control pill...but only if it is grey.

See, the Welsh have a thing for Red Squirrels. So in a ruthless act of Squirrel Cleansing, they removed all the greys from Anglesey. Only Reds need apply.

If you are grey, we don't want you here. We don't want you taking our nuts and sending them back home. We don't want you living in our trees and bringing down their values. We just..don't...want you.

So all the greys got deported.

But those sneaky, dastardly greys snuck back on the island.

And people are up in arms over the illegal immigrants, even though they are returning to what was once their home.

So people are trying to come up with ways to keep those nasty greys out.

Suggestions have included 24 hour guards...


and forcing the greys to take pills that will render them infertile.

Yes, forced squirrelicide through genetic programs.

For squirrels.

I cannot tell you how badly I wish I was making this up.

The War of the Worlds, Part II

True or false? In 1938, Orson Welles directed an episode of the Mercury Theatre on the Air that was an adaption of the H.G. Wells classic, The War of the Worlds. Legend has it that people were panic-stricken by the realism of it.

On the surface, that seems ridiculous. I have heard the broadcast, and by the standards of today it is not very realistic...but then again, the context has changed. Perhaps at the time it was cutting edge and DID sound realistic by their standards.

I guess you have to account for your audience. Or you could be like the idiotic "special needs" teacher who decided pretending to be abducted by aliens was a good idea...

So let me get this straight. You teach autistic children (among others) and think portraying a realistic scene of your abduction is a good idea? I am going to go out on a limb here and say the kids aren't the only ones in that scenario that need education. 

Well what did you EXPECT them to be thinking about?

James Hines is no longer with us. I mean, he might be with us in spirit, but that is about it. Unfortunately for his health, he overturned the receptacle (you might know the phrase better as "kicked the bucket") back in 2004.

Now, there are some things you should know about James. For starters, he kind of looked like David Carradine if Carradine had been a hippie rocker, dropping tunes on his steel guitar with hideous 70s style suits.

Second, he was really tall, like 6'7".

When I say "was", I mean it literally. Police finally got around to investigating the situation  and determined that yes, mortician Michael Cave did find a way to fit him into a coffin that was too short for him...by cutting off his feet and tossing them in the coffin.

Now, one might wonder why this came up 5 years later. Or why it was important enough to dig him up and prosecute Cave.

You clearly don't have enough time on your hands if those questions occurred to you.

I have been to lots of funerals and I can assure you, the first question in my mind every time has been, "Is the casket appropriately sized for the deceased". It saddens me you do not think the same way.

There is yet another joke here, but I think I have been tasteless enough already, so I am just going to...wait for it...let it die.

How long do you have to wait?

I wasn't there but I imagine it went something like this.

"Lee, where you going?" asked the butcher.

Lee walks away without saying a word. A few minutes he comes back with a knife. The butcher starts running but that is sometimes hard to do with a knife in your leg. A knife put there by Lee, by the way.

"What was that for?"

"Remember my wife?"

"Yes, Lee, didn't you divorce her?"

"Yes."

"9 years ago?"

"Yes."

Then why stab me now?"

"I divorced her because you slept with her."

"NINE YEARS AGO."

"Yeah, but I haven't seen you since then."

"How did you find out in the first place?"

"Oh, I saw you two on the porn DVD I bought, Affairs With Other's Wives."

Open memo to Lee: First off, less porn and more time being a good husband might have helped prevent this in the first place. 

Second, stabbing someone in the leg or thigh? Not a good idea. Are you really surprised you couldn't "work out the differences"?

Open memo to the butcher: If you are stupid enough to sleep with someone elses wife...make sure it isn't videotaped and sold in your area. 

The saddest part of this story? There are no "good guys", just dumb, dumber, and worthless. Just sayin'

A divorce would be cheaper. Just sayin'

Ahmed Boyer wanted some money. Needed might be a better word. So he did what any other desperate guy would do. He robbed a bank. 

The problem is, the money did not last very long. When I say "not very long", the time frame I have in mind is somewhat less than 24 hours. 

Should he press his luck or reduce his expenses?

Press his luck. So Boyer went on and robbed a second bank. 

Oops, not enough money.

So he robbed a third bank. 

It wasn't enough money, but it was going well. So he went for a fourth bank.

One might assume he used my handy crime-planning services for the first three since he had not been caught. But on the fourth one, he was caught. Somehow, his super-clever plans went awry and he was caught. Not by a sting operation. Not by great detective work. No, an off-duty cop ended his crime spree.

So now you are wondering why, Ahmed, why? Why rob four banks? What possible reason? Did you have a loved one who needed an operation you could not afford? Did you need money to save a flagging business? Did he need a lot of money because his fiance was getting out of control with wedding planning?

Of course you know that was it. 

"The wedding was costing a lot of money and I realised I would never be able to pay for it," he told the court.

Wonder if his marriage now will be to a different gender than the one he anticipated. 

Well what do you use YOUR eyes for?

Top 5 things to do with your eyes:

5: Check out attractive people.

4: Bat your eyelids flirtatiously.

3: Close them for sleep.

2: Lift buckets of water.

1: Pull a car.

What, you thought that was what engines were for?

I see, icy, I see

So with all the ice and snow, we thought it would be fun to take Bella out in the snow for a little bit and let her play. She loves playing chace games where she takes something she knows she isn't supposed to have and we chase her. She also loves playing games where we throw a rope for her and she will fetch for hours.

That is what we did for a while yesterday, went out in the snow and played fetch.  She had a lot of fun and loved it. At some point, though, the Goose thought it would be fun to make a snow angel.

 

Well, maybe...but sh also shortly noticed something else. It was very, very cold to lay in the snow. I know, news flash, right? :-) But she loved doing it.

Got me to thinking. What would I do if the cold outside moved inside. For example, what if it got so cold the pipes froze? How would I thaw them out? I could call cousin Andrea the plumber or my old friend Dave, also a plumber. 

Or...and considering my brilliant mechanical past wherein I was unable to clean a tub plug, burned down a barbecue, etc., I could do it myself. But how best to clear frozen pipes? So many fine options.

For example, I could repair to the nearby lumberyard for some heat tape which in theory would do so slowly, safely and sanely. Or I could follow the example of those who have gone before, break out a kerosene torch to thaw it out and instead burn down my house....

I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Let's say you have a gas furnace or something. If your pipes freeze solid, rapidly heating them gives them an excellent chance to crack or develop leaks. How fun would that be? 

(thanks to Riot Kitty for the heads up on this genius)

Favorite things to do on the toilet

"A new survey of Britons' favourite toilet activities reveal that we enjoy reading, chatting and texting on the loo."

"The study also suggested people mostly thought about food while on the toilet, and that men were more likely to look around for a distraction than women."

Maybe it is just me, but my favorite thing to do on the toilet is a bit simpler than reading, chatting...

Chatting? Please tell me that is not your preferred location to engage in conversation...

or texting. No, my favorite activity while on the toilet is surprisingly more civil than those above. I like to poop. Or pee. But maybe that is just me.

Maybe I am behind the times. Maybe that is the new location for social activities. Coming soon to a toilet stall near you; Someone proposing. You know it is going to happen. I just hope it doesn't happen to you.

So, uh...new ink on your arm?

It must be a common conversation.

"Got a new tattoo, eh?"

"Yup."

"Is that...is that the name of...excuse me, I don't wish to be rude, but is that the name of a, uh...a house of ill repute?"

"Come again?"

"Your new tat. Is that the name of a whore house?"
"Well I never...that is very impolite."

"Sorry."

"You should be. It is the name of a brothel."

*** silence ***

"Uhm...not that I am curious...but why would you have the name of a cat hou...err, brothel...tattooed on your arm?"

"Because it gets me free entry for life...to the club, not the girls, mind you...and discounts on lap dances and, uh, other services."

"Oh, well in that case, sign me up."

I am thinking of changing my name

Much like Homer Simpson in the classic episode where he changes his name to "Max Power", I am thinking of changing my name.

In his case, he got it off a vaccuum cleaner and it was the only one he spelled correctly. In my case, I simply want to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for having either the coolest name in history or the longest.

Unfortunately, my first two choices are already taken.

The former George Garrett snapped up Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined mere hours before I was able to and my preferred name was taken back in 1984. You remember Texan Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk Koyaanisquatsiuth Williams don't you?

So, uh...what, exactly, would that pic look like?

It was a great idea. I mean, think of all the spectacular moments you could capture:

- the frying pan to the dome that sent him to the hospital and her to the jail cell

- the look on his face when she told him she knew about the other woman

- the tears

- the economic devastation

and so many more fine photo ops. I mean, really, who WOULDN'T want a bunch of pictures of their divorce? A Divorce Photo Album, coming soon to the homes of idiots near you.

Top 5 reasons you might sleep on the couch if you are a guy

5) Trying to sell her as if she were a used car

4) Revealing her age on a public forum

3) Referring to your children as "accessories"

2) Referring to her "spacious boot"

1) Pulling off the previous 4 simultaneously. By the way, that couch might be located at the base of the ocean...