Highlighting a golddigger who is brainless to boot

So many fine candidates for this one...the Worlds Ugliest Trophy Wives (aka the Kardashians...wow, talk about some mirror crackers!), the Worlds Most Vacuous Hotel Heiress (Aka French City Hilton...take that how you like), Congress, etc.


But ultimately we come to a person who may have a point...to start with...but quickly degenerates into someone who makes Octomom look like a raging intellectual on par with Albert Einstein.

I speak, of course, of Curtis's female progenitor.

Short version: she alleges her child was slapped by a teacher.

If true...and there is not much debate of the validity...but if true, this is the sort of unacceptable behavior that should be dealt with swiftly with no mincing words. Slapping is not discipline, nor is it within the realm of being justifiable, particularly in a teacher-student relationship.

Teacher-boyfriend role play may be a different story...again, I leave that to you, gentle reader, in the privacy of your home.

But in a teacher-pupil relationship...an absolute and total no-no.

Unfortunately, the demands the mother then sets forth strain the bands of credulity. Check out the letter here.


I love some of them...the 21 day all expenses, 5-star hotel tour of Africa. The concert tickets, new car of her choice, orchestra and lessons for each, having all her utilities paid for the next 9 years, job consulting for 15K a month...for those of you with poor math skills, 180,000/year...

Later, it turns out for anyone to talk to her about it requires a 3k/half hour "appearance fee" for her, and the same for her husband, who must be present...and this fee, PLUS 1K/page apply for written correspondence.

No, I did not type that with a straight face.

Not only that, her trademarked son's name, her name, and her fathers name require a fee to be used in court documents.

By page 28 she is openly demonstrating her own racism that combines with her greed to create one of the most hilarious and simultaneously pathetic documents in recent history.

But page 31 might have the kicker:

"No H.A.A.R.P signal towards KMCO school district neighborhoods and schools to make us confused, crazy, stupid or otherwise alter our brainwaves - ever."

Uh, open memo to the author of that letter...too late.

Things like this put me in a quandary. There are entirely too many people creating racism out of nothing. Like LeBron James claiming the reason people dislike him leaving the Cavaliers for the Heat is because he is not white.

Open memo to LeBron; the reason some of us hate the move is because A) Cleveland has suffered a long time and it would be nice to see a winner, B) you are on tape swearing to bring a Championship to Cleveland before you left, C) the self-centered drivel that was your "The Decision" prime time special was clueless, classless, and dirty, and D) the WAY you left Cleveland, hanging them out to dry, announcing it to everyone else before them...classless and dirty.

William Rhoden, even the TITLE of your book, Forty Million Dollar Slaves, is offensive.

Jesse Jackson has become a punch line because of how out there he has gotten.

Oh, and lest we forget...Barry Bonds, the reason some people dislike you having the home run record has nothing to do with the quantity of melanin your body contains and a lot to do with your antisocial behavior and cheating.

So the female elder of Curtis managed to do something I did not think possible...appreciate the intelligence of Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, the Kardashians, Tila Tequila, Bret Michaels, Al Franken, Palin, Biden, Bush, Jesse Ventura, and a host of others I have long considered the epitome of bad jokes.

Thanks for nothing.

Behold the power of cheese

We have all been there, so do not sit there acting all superior. This could have been you.

A fine meal at the restaurant. One can only assume much cheese was consumed, as cheese is wont to be at the dining of seafood.*

The problem is...no matter how good the food,Carolee Bildsten simply did not wish to pay. So she departed Joe's Crab Shack without exchanging representations of value for goods and services received.

This is sometimes known as the dine and dash or, by those of us with integrity, as being the south end of a north bound mule. Also known as theft.

There is not a lot to do in Gurnee, Illinois, so Joe's Crab Shack called the police who went to consult with the wayward Bildsten regarding procuring legal tender for the experience experienced in her recent past.

And here is where all of us must identify with Bildsten, who simply did what any reasonable person would do when requested to pay for a seafood meal devoid of cheese-like offerings. Why, if rumor has it, there was not even any cheese-whiz!

When asked to complete the transaction entered when she requested specific items from the menu, Bildsten responded as I am sure most of us would...by assaulting the officer with "a rigid feminine pleasure device."


And you thought Joes CRAB Shack was merely the name of the restaurant, not an advertisement of what could be found within...

*Really? I eat a fair amount of seafood and can pretty much count on zero fingers the number of foods in that department that have had cheese in them. But it is your post...you tell us.

The rights of the one mean more than the rights of the many

The idea that lawsuits may be frivolous is hardly a new one.

Some of my favorites are on this list...the man suing himself, the woman suing Victorias Secret, and the idiots at PETA suing the wildlife division when they killed a deer with their car (HOW DARE the wildlife division work to cause more deer to be born?).

And, of course, the poster child of all idiocy, the woman who was surprised that coffee that people requested be made hotter at McDonalds than other places was...*gasp* hotter.

I love that she has defenders who even sound reasonable and convincing. I guess...

I mean, sure, I personally am never going to take any substance with the possibility of instant mouth or genital mutilation anywhere near my mouth or genitals. Particularly in an unsafe condition such as...oh, I don't know, while driving when I should be concentrating on that...

But what I particularly like about the mess is that people specifically state they were getting what they wanted...yet the majority must be prevented from getting what they desire because one dowager is too stupid to handle dangerous things responsibly.

Open memo to her family; if she is still alive, PUT HER IN A REST HOME before she steals any more rights/privileges from those of us with functioning brain cells.

So what started this rant about an out of date bit of court nonsense?

The fact that we may soon lose some cool features from Google maps.

My good friend Mr. Riot Kitty recently showed me a really nice feature on Google Maps....namely, bike maps.

Now, here is the thing about maps...sometimes they have errors on them.

They also come with warnings...such as
Bicycling directions are in beta.
Use caution and please report unmapped bike routes, streets that aren't suited for cycling, and other problems here.

The word "here" on the website links you to a place to report them.

Now, I like to think I am a reasonably intelligent individual. If I take the route they recommend, I am still going to use certain things...like my eyes, ears and brain. If I happen to see a car coming, I probably will get out of the way.

If the route leads me to someplace I think is dangerous, I will ignore their suggestion and find another way.

Or I could just ride into traffic, get hit by a car, and sue Google for bad directions...

What is truly sad about this? I actually expect her to win, and if so...why would Google continue to provide this useful service which, I might ad...is free due to advertising. Lauren Rosenberg...I hope you lose. And if you are destined to win...I hope you follow some other directions and this time the car completes the job. Stop being an idiot.

Congress out of control

One of the most-cited objections to Congress is they stick their nose where it does not belong. They legislate things the Federal Government was never supposed to have the authority for.

I have mentioned previously this world would be a very much better place if they were required to repeal a law every time they passed a new one. Follow the advice of Thoreu and "simplify, simplify" rather than adding layer upon layer of new laws.


I mean, seriously...how bad has it gotten when they make a law that makes it illegal to, if you have a rival, throw gasoline on her and light her on fire?

I mean, really, what other option did Rianne Theriault-Odom have? It is not as if she could talk to Dos Santos, or just leave the situation alone. And when the law takes away the only remedy available to her...throwing gas on her and lighting her on fire...what options does she have left?

*Sigh* When will we stop passing needless laws?

Tweet or twit?

One of my bad habits...yeah, I know, narrow it down a bit, eh?...is having the television on, usually on shows like Everybody Loves Raymond, Frasier, or some other sitcom, while doing whatever I do of an evening.

The upside is I get some good laughs on occasion.

The downside is...well...example;

Last night, there was a commercial for whatever newsroom is run by the channel it was on. Shawna Parsons (Shauna? Don't know how it is spelled. Come to think of it...don't care, either), a newswoman or news anchor or something...basically a talking head...was telling the viewers why they should follow her on Twitter.


Seems they had a rather hilarious episode on the newscast wherein her coffee cup had the handle break off.

Hilarity ensued.

Unfortunately (?) for the viewing public, this occurred off-camera, so the only way you could learn about it was by following her on Twitter.

Unless, of course, you saw the commercial where she told you what you could only find out if you follow her on Twitter which seems to indicate you could, in fact, find out about this fascinating, entertaining event without following her on Twitter.

Now, I suppose the natural question is...who really cares?

Handles do sometimes break off cups. And nobody ever...really...cares. Even if they were there for the event. Sure, we all nod politely and smile as the "victim" (are not the listeners the TRUE victims?) recounts the thrilling episode while everyone else tries to restart their heart after it self-stops from boredom.

I guess that is kind of yet another reason to hate stuff like Twitter.

We all are already subjected to far too many boring, pointless tales we are expected to express interest in.

Sure, if you are a poker fiend as I am, then hearing about how I managed to winkle a couple extra calls from my opponent when I flopped Quad Jacks might be interesting. But if "I min-raised from the hijack, under bet the flop, check-called the turn, and check-raised the river" means nothing to you...why would I tell you?

By the same token, except rarely saint-like people, most of us are far from thrilled to hear about your uncle learning to ride his bike and falling off three times, including excruciatingly detailed remarks on the size and location of the scrape.

No offense...but we do not care. In fact, many of these pointless anecdotes are somewhat offensive that you think we WOULD care.

So why on earth, then, would we follow on Twitter someone because they are in news and might tell us the harrowing, adventure filled tale of their mug having a handle break off...or that the door swung open just as they got home...or...well, you get the point.

Yes, I love technology. I love occasionally dropping 160 character or less posts on here from my cell as thoughts hit me.

But I hate the thought that someone, somewhere, who is no more interesting than I am has hundreds or thousands of people following the banal details of their life.

Kind of makes me hate the wireless.

I wanted to close this with a big joke, because I find the concept hysterical...but the biggest joke I can find is so obvious I hesitate to write it.

Fortunately, I am not known for good taste, so here goes.

People follow newscasters on Twitter in the hopes of hearing about a coffee cup losing its handle off screen.

The Geniuses in Oregon and the anti-Cell Phone Law

For those who either do not know or, to not know, more likely, do not care, Oregon, as of January 1st, has a new law intended solely to soothe the vocal political people.

I refer, of course, to the law that prohibits cell phone use while driving if you are holding the phone.

Now, I must admit I think the law is actually a good idea. Distracted driving is very dangerous to those of us who actually, you know, PAY ATTENTION to things going on between multiple 2-ton+ metal things moving at high rates of speed in close proximity to one another.

I assume that number is low based on the people I see merrily trailing the vehicle in front of them on rain-wet roads at 60 mph with a solid ten feet between their front bumper and the car in front of them's rear bumper.

And based on how often people notice their lane ends and decide to pass between me and the concrete barricade, even though i have a car immediately to my left and thus no place to go, and they are completely BEHIND me when their lane ends yet decide they must pass me after it ends. Yes, this happens almost every single week.

And based on the staggeringly high number of people who, in order to turn left across 2 lanes, get WAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY over to the right so nobody can go past them.


Whatever.

Anyway, clearly very few people pay attention while actually driving.

But they do pay enough attention that the brainless lumps of flesh in the state capitol got around to appeasing the greasy wheels and passing a law so we cannot use cell phones with our hands while driving, thus demonstrating our law-makers and many of the most strident activists combine to exhibit zero brain activity. Someone should check, they may actually be totally brain dead and still passing laws.

I say this because of the small, almost unnoticeable loopholes in the law. A few examples may be in order.

You may not drive with one hand holding the wheel and one holding the phone. You may, however, drive with one hand holding the wheel and one hand holding any of the following:

- a steaming hot beverage slopping out the top of the lid, leading to the very real possibility it will spill on your lap/arm/shirt/blouse/chin causing you to frantically search for a napkin/paper towel/old rag with which to stop the burning while weaving wildly back and forth.

- a freezing cold, ice-chilled beverage slopping out the top of the lid, leading to the very real possibility is will spill on your lap/arm/etc...you know the rest

- a food item of some sort with juices/toppings/condiments slopping out of it, leading to the very real possibility you will get food-related gunk dripping on your car or clothes leading to a frantic search for....well, you know the rest...

Of course, it is not just stuff you can hold. Other legal maneuvers far more dangerous, things I have personally seen, most of them repeatedly, that are far more dangerous include:

- Having your little adorable pet, usually a "toy breed" dog, on your lap as you drive with its head out your window

- changing the channel for your offspring on the overhead tv (are we really so addicted to video entertainment that we cannot drive from here to there without it?) IN THE BACK SEAT while driving.

- sitting so low in the seat you are looking through, rather than over, the steering wheel

- shaving/applying eyeliner/lipstick/make-up and/or combing /brushing/teasing your hair in the rear view mirror, your bulbous head completely blocking off any possibility of seeing what is going on behind or beside you int eh mirror and your attention in your favorite place instead of the asphalt jungle you are covering

- reading a map/newspaper/directions/book

- listening to John Denver, Brittany Spears, Celine Dion, or Guns & Roses while driving. The blood from your ears could easily get in your eyes and force you to swerve recklessly.

I am sure you, my loyal, devoted, and experienced readers, can think of dozens of other equally dangerous driving activities which are not covered by this law. Fortunately, the least dangerous activity is the one targeted by the loudest bleating, so even though the REAL problems are not addressed, we can all feel safer.

Much like we do since we take off our shoes in the airport. because, you know, those high-tech multi-million dollar security systems can only detect the bomb in your sandals/flip-flops/stilettos if you are NOT wearing them, but will not be able to if you are.

Seriously, does anybody buy into this nonsense? Anyone? Yes, I see that hand in the back. And who are you, sir? Oh, a Senator. In that case, it makes sense...

Seriously?

Lets get a few "full disclosure" statements out there before we get into the heart of this post.

1) I often enjoy a good football game. At times that includes college football. It entertains me.

2) I think the bowl system is a joke when it comes to determining a National Champion. I do believe a playoff would be a positive step. And the money would probably get even bigger.

3) When it comes to the Constitution, I am pretty close to a strict constructionist. I find many things done by our Federal Government over the last 200+ years to be actions that are themselves unconstitutional as well as being immoral, intrusive, expensive, and downright wrong.

Okay, so now time to draw it all together.

We have a nation in lots of trouble. Just this morning I read news stories on "the need to outlaw child abuse in schools", yet another obamanible addition to the out of control regression....err, stimulus package, the danger of Facebook privacy settings allowing your info to be shared with people you do not want to have it, yet another breach of the ridiculous "Homeland security" screening procedures, and scariest of all, some idiot wondering why we have not heard from Paris Hilton lately.

Open memo to that writer; let sleeping dogs lie. The world is a much better place without constant "news" stories of some spoiled brats' adventures in wearing massively oversize sunglasses and carrying some poor dog in a purse.

I would argue that many of these things need dealt with.

Child abuse is a sensitive issue that people really have no clue about. Frankly, from what I have seen, the real abuse of kids is never teaching them discipline and self-control which then results in tragic situations like the one the California rep who wrote the piece had as their centerpiece.

There is no doubt kids are out of control these days, and the majority of the reason is the new age thought process that says you teach kids by reasoning with them, as if they had adult faculties and sensibilities.

The stimulus package has proven every bit as destructive as his idol, FDR's programs have continued to be. For example, the "Cash for Clunkers" program actually cost the buyers money as the tax they paid on it actually cost them more than the fuel savings! Yet we still have to be taxed to pay for it. And don't get me started on the appliances version of it, nor many other pork portions of the disastrous bill. Expanding it? Please do not. Enough damage has been done already.

Privacy is a huge problem online already and Facebook is really bad for it. If you do not understand that, you probably also answer spam e-mails with your bank information and pretty much deserve the destruction of your bank account and credit rating that follows immediately.

The Homeland Security airport screening procedures are a joke anyway. They are nothing more than a panacea to convince weak-minded sheeple they are protected. I once read several articles about a guy who wanted to demonstrate how bad they were, so he managed to fly cross country with alternatively fake and no identification, with a prohibited liquid. He made it with no problems.

That was a reporter. Imagine a sophisticated moron intent on destruction. His superior resources and motivation will easily allow him to circumvent the rather modest "security" measures of planting a bunch of people around and having them take off their shoes and belts.

With all these problems going on in the world today, and more...the Arab/Palestinian/Jewish thing, the North Koreans, Iranians, Americans, and other war-mongers running around making it dangerous for everyone, battles over global warming;myth, over-rated, or a genuine need for conservation irrespective of the validity of the claims, and so forth, what does Congress have time for?

It shames me to share the last name with Joe, because his idea that Congress needs to declare that college football needs a playoff is somewhere between ridiculous and so beyond the pale that even giving it credibility by mentioning it is a sad moment in my life.

You read that right. He wants to legislate a college football playoff.

And people ask why I virtually never vote for any member of either major party. Several reasons.

1) they are more suspect morally, legally, and intellectually than any other class of people in this nation. That includes the people already in prisons, many of whom are less deserving of being there than the clowns in our Congress.

2) On those rare occasions when you find that one representative who is different, who actually is honest, full of integrity, and working for the people instead of against them, either A) he has not been caught yet or B) he was never elected in the first place or C) you are reading a fictional book.

I think it was Will Rogers who said something along the lines of "If "con" is against then is Congress the opposite of Progress?"

So thanks, Joe Barton, thanks for wasting our time, resources and energy.

Although it sounds sarcastic, I am actually serious. If you were not wasting time on stuff the Federal Government has neither the responsibility nor the right to interfere in, you would be busy making our life worse with other pointless laws that vastly exceed the authority granted to the Federal governments.

In a sense, the worst President in U.S. history was Abraham Lincoln, who illegally forced states to maintain forced membership in something they entered voluntarily. And now look how we suffer.

On the bright side, if we can keep Congress seeking legislation of college football or playing golf or screwing their aides they will have less time to screw the rest of us.

Goodbye, Cruel world...just not yet.

It seemed like the perfect plan. There was just one...small...tiny...minuscule problem. If only Milo Bogisic had realized his brain was much too small to hit before trying to commit suicide in the coffin he had just bought.

I know, I know, you wouldn't think an attempted suicide could be funny. But it so is. Dude, inside a coffin, STILL could not aim well enough to hit what he was shooting at. The old jokes about, "you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn...if you were INSIDE it" have just been replaced with "you couldn't commit suicide if you shot yourself while inside a coffin".

We can only hope next time he decides to jump in front of a train instead...not realizing toy trains really don't do all that much damage.

Here is an idea...don't take that pic in the first place!

So let's go over the sequence of events.

Wife takes nude photos of self. On a phone.

Forwards them. Electronically. 

Husband leaves phone in fast-food restaurant.

Spouses think nothing bad will happen here.

Idiots.

If they win their law-suit, I think we should all sue them for teaching our kids that engaging in stupid, reckless, risky behavior and then getting "embarrassed" about it means they should sue someone else. Stupidity should not be rewarded. And others should not be blamed.

Open memo to all you texters/phone photo sharers, myspace pic posters, etc.:

When you make and distribute electronically things that you do not want random strangers to see, you are just fooling yourself into thinking they aren't seeing them. 

Hope? Seriously?

For the most part, I ignore the Presidential debates and so forth. I do not know what their slogans are. I will say, however, that on my drive home I saw a bumper sticker that I certainly hope is NOT an actual slogan proposed by either campaign.

It is important to set the scene. The vehicle this bumper sticker was on was rather spendy. It was a late model...2008 or 2009 at the earliest...Cadillac that just smacked of elitist arrogance from the way the guy drove to the little add-ons the rig had.

And in the back window was the bumper sticker "Hope" and a candidates name. Yes, I know which candidate. No, I won't mention his name here because I sincerely hope that unbelievably, stupidly offensive slogan is not part of his campaign. Though I reserve the right to change my mind.

What an unbelievably arrogant, offensive thing. Hope for what? Are we as a nation so desperate that we have reached a point where we are without hope? Seriously?

As anyone who has read this particular author knows, I have lots of issues with how this country currently acts. We murder babies and call it "choice", we celebrate immorality, taxes are high, the education system weak, we push politics as science and ignore facts, the disastrous welfare system is broken and full of abuses even where it accomplishes good things, the immigration issues are divisive and good people are doing bad things over it, and we have soldiers outside our borders. These are not all the issues but they are certainly some of the huge ones.

As an aside, I have had lots of people ask me why I will vote for neither Obama nor McCain: I will say right here, right now that I have certain of my own "litmus tests" I apply; even if I believe one candidate has superior economic incentives, if his stances on morality are in ways and places I find offensive, I will vote for his opponent if his opponent has a stand I agree with on morality, even if I find his economic package to be disastrous. Yes, murder is one of those and neither candidate passed that one. that alone is enough to vote for someone else.

Be the above as it may, the basic truth still exists. We still live in a great country from the standpoint of personal freedoms. I can work whatever job I choose that my skills allow, I can hold debates with people whose opinions diametrically oppose mine, I can be part of the process to get laws changed, I have access to information to refute the falsehoods taught in schools or to reinforce the portions they teach correctly, and so forth.

Unlike much of the world, when we get divorced (a bad thing) we can find our own residences (a good thing). Sound like a stupid argument? Yesterday there was a news item about a couple in Cambodia who divorced. They could not afford to not live together so dude cut his house in half and moved his half away.

This is not an isolated incident. It is commonplace to live in the same house after divorcing in Russia. I once wrote about a couple living that way where the ex-wife set the ex-husband on fire as he slept in a drunken stupor. Way to go! Hilarious at the time, but indicative of major housing issues.

And that does not even look at deeper issues faced by most of Africa, by issues faced in Cuba, the Middle East, South America, France, Asia....

We live in a country where it is not just possible but probable that a person can be born in a hole-filled shack and, by applying themselves, retire early with a good-sized bank account thanks to our education system; it may be flawed but it is still very effective.

We live in a country where the homeless are more often than not that way by choice. We have programs in place to help these people; not all of them want help. Those that do usually find it.

We live in a country where "illegal immigrants" can publicly gather and protest being punished for their crimes. We live in a country where people can work to help said illegal immigrants.

Where else are these things true? Are you aware that if you are not a Mexican citizen you cannot own land in Mexico, cannot vote there even if you are "naturalized" (at least, according to their Constitution) and can be jailed for criticizing the government?

We live in a flawed country, sure. But a country that is not exactly to a point of desperation where we need "hope". And particularly, those of us (and I am not one of them) with enough money to be driving around a gas-guzzling luxury sled wearing cashmere sweaters are definitely NOT in need of hope.

I have to admit, I found that concept so flawed, so foul, and so offensive that it has moved me closer to his opponent. Oh, not close enough to actually VOTE for his opponent...but it is getting there. Hope indeed. Well, okay, here is some hope for you; I hope this country is smart enough not to elect him.

Time is a precious thing...let's waste some together

There are certain signs available I might have too much time on my hands. If you ever get bored, take a look at my poker writings, for example...I go WAY beyond just saying, "Oh, here was a key hand" and actually go into what I was thinking, what I think the opponent was thinking, what I think they think I was thinking...that is pretty unnecessary for a recreational player. Or check out how many movies I see on my movie review site. Or the Blazer blog I maintain during the season. And that does not even cover my research on Native Americans (a private blog I write more on that most of the others), my business research blog, or some of the books I am working on.

Someone with that many things they WRITE about surely has too much time on their hands.

Not as much time as...say...the kid who thought a good way to celebrating was to dress himself as a penis and run across stage...yeah, that'll get the girls (or boys)...(and yes, you are welcome for the picture)...but let's face it. Even the time he took in coming up with that was not completely wasted. Admit it. You laughed.

No, to truly waste time, people would have to do something like race snails...after all, what could be more fun than watching several of the slowest creatures on earth race...when they don't even know they are racing and therefore have no motivation for running? It sure is a good thing nobody is stupid enough to try that...like, racing snails or something. Oh, wait a second...

Hey, how come nobody has contacted Guinness Book of World Records about this? The World's Fastest Snail would truly be an accomplishment worth verifying. Kind of like attending the most funerals... I take it back, my time is actually spent in things of great value by comparison.

Things to do before having sex III

5) Safety first. Make sure you have a condom if you do not wish to have a baby.

4) Safety first II: Get checked out for STDs from time to time.

3) Safety first III: Make sure your partner is not A) currently angry at you and B) willing to express their anger through permanent harm (think Lorena Bobbitt)

2) Safety First IV: If you engage in S&M type games, make sure you do not lock each other up simultaneously and lost the keys

1) Safety first; if you decide to play S&M games where only one person is locked up at any given time, manage to retain the key, please, please...before you stick your penis in a padlock (!) make sure the key will still work after the lock is superglued. This will help you avoid any unpleasantness and embarassment when you must be rescued from your predicament by firemen.

Dying for a cause

There are a lot of good reasons to die. In fact, this seems like a good time for a list:

5) For country; this is a heroes death

4) To defend your loved ones

3) To defend an innocent stranger

2) To give vital organs to those in need

and the number one, best reason to die:

1) You dropped your cell phone in the sewer, went after it, get wedged in, and are so fat it takes 6 people to pull you out, but of course by that time you have drowned....but hey, at least you know where your cell phone was.

Of course, there was precedent...like the teen who drowned trtiny to retrieve a cell from a river...

what a crying shame you couldn't get a replacement phone for 40 or 50 bucks, then it would be worth less than their life...

A judge learns reason

A while ago I wrote about a truly offensive moron. It was about a man, a representative of justice...a judge. This is a man at the pinnacle of our justice system. If we cannot trust the people responsible for making sure the law is upheld equitably and fairly then the system will crumble. There can be no trust whatsoever and we teeter on the brink of anarchy.

So my critique, while intended to be humorous, was also serious. Well, today I am proud to announce that Judge Pearson saw the error of his ways. He agreed with us that, in demanding 67 MILLION DOLLARS for a missing pair of pants he was, in fact, being outrageous and ridiculous. So in a spirit of being reasonable he rescinded his unreasonable demands. Now he only wants a much more reasonable 54 million.

Does this mean I'm fired?

Upendra Yadav had a job. He was to milk the cows. One day he didn't feel like it. Now, all of us, at one time or another, have had moments when we did not feel like doing our jobs. Most of us do them anyway. Some of us don't. He didn't.

When you fail to do your job there are often consequences. Being written up. Pay cuts. Suspensions. Or, in the case of Upendra Yadav , being beheaded.

Guess he shouldn't have asked for his severance package...

Well, at least it wasn't ridiculous

Sometimes people do strange things that still, somehow, manage to come off as pretty cool. Like the guy taking a week to "run" a marathon...still cool because he is raising money for a charity, Children with Leukemia. That is a worthwhile cause, at least. Would I run slo-mo for 26 miles and change? I am going to go with no, here, but hey...he is having fun with it and doing a good deed, so more power to him.

Then again, sheer power is what was displayed by Manjit Singh. He managed to use his ears to pull a jet airplane.

Oh, sure, it starts in good fun to raise money for a charity...I am not sure a "charity" designed to involve more people in sports is on quite the same level as one combating a hideous genetic disease, but...then again...Singh is indescribably much cooler because he wants his stupidity....err, fantastic feat...immortalized in the Book of Irrelevancy and Geekdom sometimes called the Guinness Book of World Records.

Enough already. Okay, people...if you want to do something stupid and pointless, knock yourself out. Lots of people do unbelievably dumb and/or pointless things every year. Do you really have to compound it by annoying us by finding the most outlandish, pointless, useless, counter-productive activities and having them "immortalized" in the tree-killing tome of stupidity?

Top 5 jobs you might want

5) Government Think Tank
Working here you can do all sorts of fun stuff like think up experiments to measure cow flatulence or check fish hearing. (Yes, the second one is also a real study that has been performed)

4) Politician
Lying, cheating, stealing, adultering...all part of the perks.

3) Moviemaker.
Because you get to dress people in whatever you want, have them do all sorts of crazy things and excuse it as "Oh, it is in the script." Really? You wrote the script for Bikini Models in Paradise and now girls need to wear stiletto heels and bikinis to a dinner function? Lucky you!

2) Small Country Dictator
All the usual. Money, sex, fame, the opportunity to murder and torture millions of innocents. Has the unfortunate side-effect of sometimes coming with early death but the benefits are nice for the 30 or 40 years it lasts.

1) Adjudicator for the Guinness Book of World Records.
You get to see stuff like a guy pedaling a stationary bike, the longest skin peeling removed in once piece, or 600 people bouncing on pogo balls for an entire minute. Could life be any better?



Can we just stop the GBWR now? I really think it is pretty far past the point of no return in terms of stupidity. Is there any redeeming value to it whatsoever?

Porn tapes not included. For that you pay extra

Being a single parent is hard. I do not envy them their task. I think the change in morality...I would argue drop, but most people wouldn't...has led to a lot of troubling relationship issues and single parenting is one of those. Of course, if you want your child to not experience growing up in a single parent home you can just rent a partner...

No word on whether bed-sharing is part of the equation. Or screaming arguments...

What is in a name?

Imagine if you could not, in fact, give your child whatever you wanted. In some cases, this might be a good thing...I am not convinced the geniuses naming their kids Anakin and Gandalf should be allowed to procreate in the first place. If the person you most want to honor by naming your child after them is a fictional character...you have social interaction issues.

Of course, it could be worse...you could get your daughters' name rejected because you want to name her after one of the worst bands in history....a thing I find hard to understand. What girl wouldn't want to be named Metallica?

Yawn. This again?

It is a cliche to hear "We can turn this car around if you kids don't stop behaving." Less cliched but still popular is "Then get out and walk."

But what if your car is parked and the kid still won't walk? There is really only one solution. Call the police, when they arrive, borrow an axe from them....and smash your own car windows. I imagine that is straight out of Parenting 101...well done, let me know how that works out for you. And if the insurance company helps you replace it...