I keep offering, they keep ignoring.

Being a criminal is tough. There is so much to remember. So many questions that are hard to answer. Like, what if you are on a first date.

He: I like your smile.
She: Why, thank you, that is sweet. What do you do for a living?
He: I, ah liquidate assets for clients unaware of my services.


Translation: I steal stuff. But you really can't roam around SAYING that, right?

Hence my offer to plan theoretical crimes. I will remind you of the basics;
-if you are writing a demand note, don't do it on something like your bank slip
-have a get-away route and plan
- don't leave your daughter behind in the store if you set off an alarm while shop-lifting...

Hey, I am here to help. When will these idiots start taking advantage of it?

Parenting 101

There has been a movement afoot for a few years to trivialize and re-order the roles of parents. Instead of providing guidance through things such as instruction and discipline there are segments of the population that would prefer the parent to be merely provider of life and let the kid figure things out on their own. It is no longer a parent-child relationship but instead they want the parent to be a friend.

Now, in the interest of fairness I should point out my Dad is indeed my friend...but only as a byproduct of his parenting. He is and always has been a father first. There are things we do not do together that people who were friends first might...not many, but a few.

Well, some people have never learned that. Some people are so intent on being friends that they forget to be parents first. Sometimes this works, other times the so-called father ends up in the hospital when, instead of helping the kid learn maturity and intelligence the Dad gets up on a balcony and decides to hold a spitting contest with the kid, loses his balance and does a nose-dive onto the pavement below.

No word yet on who spit farther but we are pretty sure who won the falling contest.

What is in a name?

Imagine if you could not, in fact, give your child whatever you wanted. In some cases, this might be a good thing...I am not convinced the geniuses naming their kids Anakin and Gandalf should be allowed to procreate in the first place. If the person you most want to honor by naming your child after them is a fictional character...you have social interaction issues.

Of course, it could be worse...you could get your daughters' name rejected because you want to name her after one of the worst bands in history....a thing I find hard to understand. What girl wouldn't want to be named Metallica?

Yawn. This again?

It is a cliche to hear "We can turn this car around if you kids don't stop behaving." Less cliched but still popular is "Then get out and walk."

But what if your car is parked and the kid still won't walk? There is really only one solution. Call the police, when they arrive, borrow an axe from them....and smash your own car windows. I imagine that is straight out of Parenting 101...well done, let me know how that works out for you. And if the insurance company helps you replace it...

Parenting 101:How to educate your kids

Hands-on education is not a new concept. It is one reason thousands of kids dissect worms and frogs (I assume that still goes on? It did when I was in Jr. High). It is why we have driver's ed. Home ec. Cooking classes. Woodshop. Metal Shop.

Well, sometimes hands-on experience is not, for whatever reason, possible so the closest observation possible is the next best thing. Think history documentaries. Sex ed.

Well, some parents don't trust the schools to get it right. So they decided to give their daughter sex ed themselves. Their 9 year old daughter. But no clumsy diagrams and charts and cheesy movies for these parents. No, they are far too advanced for that. So they came up with a better way to give their impressionable 9 year old daughter sex ed...they just had sex in front of her.