Well that is a tragic oversight!

2 weeks can be a long time. If you are imprisoned for some reason...that is a long time. If you are about to retire...that is a long time. If you are trying to set the world record for most conkers collected...okay, not so long.

But...after amassing a massive collection, causing a conker shortage...who knew...in just two weeks, they then were crushed by the news. 

Guinness World Records spokesman Damian Field said there was currently no category for 'largest conker collection.'

This is a travesty! This is an outrage! I demand something be done about this at once. I mean, if there are categories for most people wearing a bikini on a beach, most people running a race in stilettos, most people bouncing on bouncy balls while dressed as smurfs...all things I have documented here among many other ridiculous, pointless "accomplishments", then surely they have space in their book for the largest conker collection record. 

And if not, we the people must do something about it. For example, we could set a world record for most signatures collected demanding a slot in the Guinness Book of World Records for the Largest Collection of Conkers. Now THAT would be a great record.

They say records are made to be broken but...

Some numbers are just so big you have to wonder if they will ever be topped. For example, will anyone ever top the 100 points Wilt Chamberlain scored in an NBA game? Cy Young's win total? Cal Ripken's consecutive game streak?

But one record you thought would never be broken finally was. It is a record so prestigious that I just know you, like I, check every day to see the status. Has it fallen? Has anyone even come close?

And now, at last, we have the answer. Yes, the record has fallen. There is a new record holder...well, record holders... and we owe them much honor and respect.

I know I am just rehashing news you all know, but I still feel the need to report there is a new record for...wait for it...


Most racers wearing 3" stilettos. Who said that record would never fall?

Time is a precious thing...let's waste some together

There are certain signs available I might have too much time on my hands. If you ever get bored, take a look at my poker writings, for example...I go WAY beyond just saying, "Oh, here was a key hand" and actually go into what I was thinking, what I think the opponent was thinking, what I think they think I was thinking...that is pretty unnecessary for a recreational player. Or check out how many movies I see on my movie review site. Or the Blazer blog I maintain during the season. And that does not even cover my research on Native Americans (a private blog I write more on that most of the others), my business research blog, or some of the books I am working on.

Someone with that many things they WRITE about surely has too much time on their hands.

Not as much time as...say...the kid who thought a good way to celebrating was to dress himself as a penis and run across stage...yeah, that'll get the girls (or boys)...(and yes, you are welcome for the picture)...but let's face it. Even the time he took in coming up with that was not completely wasted. Admit it. You laughed.

No, to truly waste time, people would have to do something like race snails...after all, what could be more fun than watching several of the slowest creatures on earth race...when they don't even know they are racing and therefore have no motivation for running? It sure is a good thing nobody is stupid enough to try that...like, racing snails or something. Oh, wait a second...

Hey, how come nobody has contacted Guinness Book of World Records about this? The World's Fastest Snail would truly be an accomplishment worth verifying. Kind of like attending the most funerals... I take it back, my time is actually spent in things of great value by comparison.

Here comes the two-fer

I must apologize for yesterday's ridiculous post. I mean, seriously...who writes about themed restaurants? I guess it could have been worse. I could have written about a restaurant with a death theme. Nah....that would be way too ridiculous...though NOT as ridiculous as said restaurant being denied "World's Largest Coffin" status by the Guinness Book of World Records because, and I quote..."they had yet to receive an application from Ukraine".

Things you can do with just 1 finger

5) Pick your nose. The finger is so perfectly formed to get into all the nooks, crannies, and crevices.

4) Give directions.

3) Signify your standing in the sports world. "I'm #1"

2) Wave to the guy who cut you off in traffic. Generally a different finger than that used in #5, 4,and 3.

1) Pull 4 cars along in an attempt at immortal irrelevancy in the Guinness Book of World records,. Nothing like training for 44 years for your moment of glory...

Guinness...can I get in the book too?

Some of the reasons people have used for trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records have been pretty lame. And there is always someone trying...just a few days ago a bunch of people tried to get in for "largest number of people simultaneously skipping". Thanks for taking time out of your busy lives for that, losers.

But Zhang Quan has a topper. He is attempting to set a record that A) approaches being illegal and B) he himself can't tolerate....clapping for the longest period of time. However, by his own admission...it even hurts his own ears because of the volume. in an industry based on pointlessness and irrelevancy, I think we now have reached a new low. Thanks, Quan, thanks for nothing. What, you want some applause?

It's time for another "Good idea or Guinness World Record?"

"I thought it was going to be kind of cheesy," said Hannah Koch of Prairie Village, who came clad in an elf costume.

That is the sort of line you just can't type with a straight face. What? People wearing elf costumes and the event is going to be cheesy? She later changed her mind about the cheesiness...but I didn't. I think it is just as retarde....err, cheesy as I thought it was when I noted people were showing up wearing elf costumes.

One wonders who does the research on these things. "Well, here we are a local radio station, not nationally syndicated, and we want to do something important. What can we do? We are in the prairies so there will be no whale saving, we care about our listeners so there will be no Hold your Wee for a Wii contest...I know! Let's set a world record! To the library!"

So they consult the Tome of Stupidity, aka the Guiness Book of World Records, hire out a stadium, do some advertising, and now, please, join with me in ignoring...err, congratulating KYYS FM of Kansas City and 1680 morons for simultaneously mangling Smoke on the Water to set the record for most losers with no life...err, most people simultaneously playing the same song in the same place at the same time. I tried that once...I only missed by 1678.

Mommy, mommy, can I ride that?

I love amusement parks. Emily and I have discussed future plans for visits to a variety of them. Of course, for me it is mostly about the rides, not the ambience. No matter how big a fan I might be of the Warner Bros. cartoons (and the answer is A HUGE ONE), if a park had the Warner Bros characters running around, Bugs Bunny themed restaraunts, Yosemite Sam themed shows, but the rides stunk I still wouldn't go.

I have been around people who were the opposite. They loved going into the shops, getting autographs from the characters (why is a Goofy autograph from some high school kid working a summer job in a super hot Goofy costume more "authentic" than one I write myself?) and enjoying the experience.

Well, now we have the perfect amusement park for everyone. Well, maybe not everyone...I really can't tell you what rides the park has. Or restaraunts. Or what type of shows. But what I can tell you is the amusement parks greatest claim to fame; this Chinese Theme park claims to have built the World's Largest Penis. If that ain't family fare I don't know what is...


and man, I WISH I was making this up...

Congrats on a record so stupid even Guinness doesn't care

I have often chronicled some of the more esoteric records Guinness records...pieces of skin, miles on a stationary bike, number of people jumping on toys, most chilis consumed, phone call from the highest spot ever, and some stuff that, if possible, is even stupider and more irrelevant. Not that "world's longest fingernail" isn't a vital piece of information every school child should know, but really...does ANYONE not employed in the pursuit of stupidit....err, records or the record holder really care?

I imagine a lot of people get dates that way. "Yeah, I am in the Guinness Book of World Records. I once juggled 247 pieces of white rice without dropping them for over three minutes."
Her response: "Oh, that is awesome! Let's sleep together."
Her response in the real world as opposed to the loser's fantasy: "Get away from me, you freak, or I am calling the cops."

But there is one record so infantile that even Guinness refuses to recognize it. Tony Wright obliterated the record held by Randy Gardner since 1964. You would think an event this momentous would have Guinness on hand to record it for posterity...but even they don't care that Wright could go sleepless longer than Gardner did. That, my friends, is the ultimate in irrelevancy. Well done, Wright. Thanks for nothing.

It is a good thing the Guinness book isn't ridiculous...

There are a lot of records that I think have some value, even if only to aficionados of the particular venture involved. For example, Cal Ripken's games played streak, Dimaggio's 56 game hit streak, Hank Aaron's home run record, the fastest mile someone has run, the highest they have jumped, and so forth. Then there are the slightly less valuable records...

For example, if you watch any baseball broadcast you are liable to hear something along the lines of "He is hitting .273 on his third at-bat against a right-hander when playing in a day game after going 2 for 4 in a night game against lefties before June 12th."

Huh? Do I really care? Does anybody? I mean, seriously...then there are the records nobody knew (or, most likely, cared) existed...such as largest patch of skin removed in a single piece, most chilis consumed in a single sitting, or the furniture land speed record.

In case you missed it, i will type that last one again...the furniture land speed record. As opposed, one suspects, to the furniture air speed record, the furniture underwated speed record, and the furniture amphibious speed record. I must admit I did not know the furniture land speed existed because if I did I am pretty sure I would (not) have been putting forth every effort to attain that record. Alas, the old record failed when (idiotic) dare-devil Marek Turowski, a full time gardener and part-time couch driver, pushed his divan a full 5 mph faster than cowardly Edd China's 87mph, clocking in at 92 mph. And just in case there would be doubters they had a rep on hand from the Institute of Time Wasting....err, the Guinness Book of World irrelevancy...to make sure he did indeed make 92mph.

Now, you, like me, might be under the mistaken impression that furniture is for comfort in the home...beds for sleeping, televisions for watching, sinks for cleaning, stoves for cooking, and couches for making out. Now you will be thrilled to learn they are multi-purpose...not only can you drive them to furniture land-speed records...this one, at least, is road legal...

No word yet on how they plan to get it in and out of the living room.

Well, at least it wasn't ridiculous

Sometimes people do strange things that still, somehow, manage to come off as pretty cool. Like the guy taking a week to "run" a marathon...still cool because he is raising money for a charity, Children with Leukemia. That is a worthwhile cause, at least. Would I run slo-mo for 26 miles and change? I am going to go with no, here, but hey...he is having fun with it and doing a good deed, so more power to him.

Then again, sheer power is what was displayed by Manjit Singh. He managed to use his ears to pull a jet airplane.

Oh, sure, it starts in good fun to raise money for a charity...I am not sure a "charity" designed to involve more people in sports is on quite the same level as one combating a hideous genetic disease, but...then again...Singh is indescribably much cooler because he wants his stupidity....err, fantastic feat...immortalized in the Book of Irrelevancy and Geekdom sometimes called the Guinness Book of World Records.

Enough already. Okay, people...if you want to do something stupid and pointless, knock yourself out. Lots of people do unbelievably dumb and/or pointless things every year. Do you really have to compound it by annoying us by finding the most outlandish, pointless, useless, counter-productive activities and having them "immortalized" in the tree-killing tome of stupidity?