A waitress, 2 men, and about a billion shrimp

Ironman Al is noted for 2 things; his dogged dedication in pursuit of his first Ironman, which he completed, and his ability to consume prodigious quantities of food. I am noted for my excess in just about everything...

Well, he has been in town for the last week or so and tonight we had to choose between catching a movie or going to dinner. Between the sad state of current available flicks and the current special at Red Lobster, namely All You Can Eat Shrimp...well, it was a no brainer.

Both of us being big Simpsons fans, it was natural to reference the classic Season 4 Simpson's Episode "All You Can Eat" where Homer pounds so many shrimp he is thrown out and the Seas Captain refers to him by saying, "'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eatin' machine!"

Well, then it was time for us to become a pair of remorseless eating machines. We started slow. He had a double order of Shrimp Scampi while I mixed it up with one order of fried shrimp and one of coconut. As we were handed our food, we both placed our next order. She looked at us a bit strangely, but acquiesced.

Well, we were waiting before our matching orders of popcorn shrimp arrived. So we each got a double order of fried shrimp. That is 5 bowls apiece for those who are counting.

He ordered a scampi which takes a bit longer. Since my last 2 orders had copied his, I went with the fried shrimp. So she brought 2. Since those were quicker, he got a couple while he was waiting. Then they brought his scampi...but there were 2, so I stole one and ordered another scampi. He grabbed a cajun.

I think you see where this is going.

We DESTROYED that place. The carnage was awful. He had about 5 glasses of coke, 1 glass of water, a salad, a baked potato, 4 orders of shrimp scampi, 2 orders of Cajun, and 9 orders of fried shrimp (2 of which he stole from me...but since I am pretty sure they were not rung up since we were getting bowls even between orders...I am okay with that).

I was a bit slower. I had about 8 glasses of coke, a couple biscuits, a baked potato, 1 order of coconut, 3 orders of scampi(one of which I stole from him), 1 of popcorn shrimp, and 7 of the fried shrimp.

We had so much shrimp that a couple of times I am pretty sure they dropped off shrimp at our table that were A) destined for other tables and B) not on our final ticket tally. We ate for so long that people who arrived at the adjacent tables after us left well before us...we ate for over 2 hours.

At one point, we were talking about how many calories we had consumed. Al pointed out the cokes were about 200 calories which I laughed off. "I have had about 10,000 calories of shrimp. I don't think 200 more is going to hurt."

"We should tell the waitress we want diet coke because we are worried about the calories."

It would have been hysterical but we wimped out.

I wimped out before Al. The worm has turned, he can consume more food than me. But hey...I am older than he is, so it is all good.

Well, not all good...let's just say nobody envies the local porcelain....

Edit/update:Tis a small amount of remorse this morning felt by my heartburn, belly, and the porcelain...in no particular order...

The annual assault on good taste and health

On the dark side, my partner in crime, Ironman Al, was not able to be there.

On the bright side, by taking some customers, my company ended up paying for it.

You have heard me uh...talk? brag? whine? about it before...SHRIMPFEST.

It started reasonably...an order of Shrimp Scampi and a hand breaded.

But this year there was something different...instead of two of us, there were four. So the waiter began double-dipping so to speak..bringing large plates of one type shrimp for us to all share and individual servings of other types.

So round two, I had two or three handfuls of breaded shrimp + some sort of skewered fried shrimp.

Round three was Parmesan shrimp and another scampi.

Round four was another breaded and another Parmesan.

Round five was another scampi and another Parmesan.

At this point I was happy...I had matched my sad ten-plate intake from last year. It was a free-roll from here on.

Another Parmesan and another fried.

half a Parmesan and half a fried...it was sitting there, SOMEONE had to eat it!

A popcorn and another scampi.

Another Parmesan and another popcorn.


And finished off with a final popcorn and final scampi for a personal best 17 identifiable plates, plus some miscellaneous grabs at community plates.

Finally, I feel like I have held up my end of devastating things.

Line of the night (at which point one guy had finished eating and left for home, one had slowed way down and two of us were still crushing it)

Waiter: "How you guys doing here?"

Me: "Just getting warmed up."

Mr. T : "He is trying to beat his record of 13*"

Waiter: "Yes, he eclipsed that last trip."

Which indicates to me they were keeping tally.


So yes, this year Shrimpfest was an epic success. I expanded my palate to include the Parmesan shrimp and the fried shrimp, kept up my consumption of scampi which was new to me last year, and maintained soda and biscuit discipline to allow maximum shrimp carnage.

The ocean is a little shallower today...





* my actual record was 12...but whose counting? Oh...right....

Shrimpfest recap

Oh, the humanity. I was done in by 2 factors.

First, our waitress failed to appreciate the gravity of the situation. For the early portion, she was rather slow in bringing forth more shrimpy goodness. This allowed the stomach to realize the travesty of justice being foisted upon it and begin kicking up a storm.

More importantly, I paniced. Our tactis were simple; as each order was brought, we would order the next two shrimp refills. I started with coconut and at the time, I mentioned the flavor was so sticky-sweet that I should hold it at one.

Things were going awesome and I was well on pace to obliterate last years effort with well over 12 plates of shrimp. I was rolling.

But the Garlic Scampi took longer than most shrimp styles. Since my plan was to order two different flavors at a time, I wanted to do something like Scampi/Popcorn, Scampi/Hand Breaded type stuff as the breaded start to taste too similar after a few helpings.

No rude comments from the peanut gallery.

Well, as the fourth order (my 7th and 8th plates) was delivered, she started to walk off. I paniced and ordered coconut, trying to switch up the flavors.

And that was my downfall.

I had finished the first plate of coconut but knew I should not do another one. Then, in one moment, I blew my entire strategy. Had I properly ordered popcorn shrimp and garlic scampi, I would have had 4 - 6 more plates at least. But the coconut...

I struggled to finish the plate as the sticky sweetness turns into a surprisingly hot aftertaste.

And sop I tried every stratagem...I ate them simultaneously with popcorn shrimp. I salted them. I tried to drown them in Dr. Pepper.

But I could barely finish them.

So my night was done after a rather pedestrian 10 plates. Not only did I not defeat my effort from last year, I failed to even match it.

When seated across from someone who once nearly defeated the Vermonster, that is pretty much embarrassing.

On the bright side, I knocked back 5 glasses of Dr. Pepper to his mere 2.

But he finished off 16 plates of shrimp.

I easily could have eaten more had I not gotten off balance on my flavors and never been able to recover. This is truly a tragedy of epic proportions. I shall have to train before next year lest I shame myself further by only having 8 plates or some such wimpy showing.

Exciting News

My buddy Alan is in town and we are supposed to reprise an effort from a year ago.

See, we both love shrimp.

And we both eat. A lot.

In his case, it is justified. He does Ironmans and bikes hundreds of miles and swims and so forth.

I pretty much just mock people. Not quite as much exercise, but a lot more fun...

Anyway, last time he was here we went to Red Lobster for their all you can eat shrimp fest. I knocked off 12 plates...which paled in comparison to his 14.

Well, not everyone got to see the carnage. So this year, there will be an additional feature.

Yes, friends, if you stay tune to your computer, you can keep up with us as we destroy the place. Since I can "mobile blog" up to 160 characters, I can post what we order so you can thrill to the consumption of ridiculous quantities of food.

Can you think of anything better to do with your Saturday night than sit by your computer constantly refreshing to see how many plates of shrimp the two idio....GENIUSES are up to? I am pretty sure I can't.

And yes, you can thank me now for the announcement there will no charge for this service.

I know, I know...I rule. Go me.

Now that...that's cool

I chose the route of historian and movie buff because chemistry did not appeal to me. If math, biology, and chemistry were my thing though, I might have discovered this sooner. Check out this site:
http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/scienceopticsu/powersof10/index.html

From that small to that large, that is incredible! I am simply amazed. It really puts into perspective where we sit in the universe.
At the same time, no doubt someone will use this, or something similar to this, for a metaphor about how we need to savor each moment, enjoy every experience, and constantly be thinking about huge issues.
That is something I find frankly ridiculous. Sure, there is a time to consider our place in life, both in our local community and in the world at large. But the times for that are quite frankly few and far between. It is too easy to get lost in the hoopla of doing that and never actually live the life people are pondering.
I guess what I am saying is there needs to be a mixture and a balance. There is a time to shoot pool and a time to be Mother Teresa...a trick those of us neither male nor catholic have more issues, of course...but the underlying point is true.
There is a time to think of changing the world and a time to go to dinner with a friend because you need time with your friend. There is a time to convince Congress to overturn the privacy violating portions of the so-called "Patriot Act" and a time to enjoy popcorn shrimp at Red Lobster. Mmmm...popcorn shrimp...
I can't have shrimp very often anymore. After I went to the doc Friday he gave me a new diet to deal with the "Crystal in the blood" or whatever that was. I find it ironic that the more I correct my diet and exercise regimen to extend my lifespan and the quality thereof, the more often I encounter some other portion of me on the edge of breaking down. That'll teach me to scale back on soda...
Still, looking at the picture really put life into perspective. I might never change the world in the ways presidents and dictators do but at some point perhaps I can leave a writing that makes people think the way those pictures worked for me.

I need a volunteer

You see, there is a real problem developing.

An event I have planned for nearly a year is here.

I have planned my strategy. Adjusted it. Altered it, tweaked it, perfected it.

I know the moves to make, the order to make them in. the plan is perfect.

I shall blow well past the efforts of last year and the year before.

The problem is...my partner in crime is in Washington DC with no current plans to return in time to partake.

Whatever will I do? The world will be a much inferior place if I cannot top last years 10 plate shrimp feast... so who is up for shrimpfest 2010?

Arnold Schwarzeneggers' is better than yours. Really.

You know, we sometimes are not as jealous of other people as we should be. For example, you doubtless are not as jealous of Arnold Schwarzenegger as you should be. that is an unarguable, indisputable, provable fact.

Let me show you what I mean by comparing weeks.

Let's say I am sitting down to make a list of what I need to do today or this week. In no particular order of importance, it might look something like this.

A) Call/e-mail/text the wife.
B) Get out of bed, shave, shower
C) go to work
D) Consume calories via breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.
E) Go to church, do my Scripture reading
F) Catch up with friends
G) Write something witty or intriguing for all my blog-reading friends.

But lets compare that to the list Arnold might make in a typical week, for example: while working on True Lies
A) blow stuff up
B) kill lots of bad guys
C) spout off numerous funny one-liners
D) show off the muscles hiding my muscles from view
E) fly a harrier jet
F) hang out with several hot women
G) kill a few more bad guys

Really, is there a comparison? Lets try it again, with a bit more fairness of me having a big week planned.
A) eat a ton of shrimp.
B) play basketball
C) hang out with wife, family, friends
D) go to Blazer game
E) get a haircut
F) get paid by work
G) ride bike

Now, lets look at a week for Arnold, say...while making the forgettable Eraser
A) blow stuff up
B) kill lots of bad guys
C) have numerous hot women hurrying to get unclothed and...you know...
D) show off the muscles hiding his muscles from view
E) kill an alligator
F) spout off several clever lines
G) kill some more bad guys


Like I say, his list makes you jealous.

And just to prove the point, should the mood strike, I might post a few more lists that you will find indisputably, unarguably better than your list of things to do this week.

Al keeps rolling with 2 more teriyaki. I find the 2nd cocunut was a huge tactical error as the overwhelming flavor killed my shrimp desire

Let the carnage begin. Al starts with teriyaki grilled and garlic shrimp. I kick off with hand breaded and coconut

June 19th, day 14

I knew the 232.3 was not maintainable. It was aided by the 35 miles Sean and I rode Friday. It was hurt by the pizza I killed 2/3rds of at Sunshine with Dad, the brothers and their wives and Rick. On the semi-bright side, I did hold back to just 2 glasses of soda.

But I really wanted to be at 234ish. Today is the day I need to hit 234 to stay on schedule. So when it said 234.4 well...I was not ecstatic like I would have been at 233, but I was not disappointed. I have been tracking calories and exercise pretty closely, so if my math was correct, I SHOULD be at 234 and change. anything else and I would need to refigure.

I was pretty hungry, so I had 2 cups of Golden Grahams, kept with the no-fat milk. Not nearly as good, but the calorie savings matters. 330 calories.

I really need to figure out how to do the weight lifting. I am pretty convinced building some lean muscle mass is a key to getting my metabolism up. It has been quite revealing how that has gone.

I guess it is kind of disappointing that I did not push harder to just have the trainer show me how to use the machines instead of doing a regular session. Had I known I was quite so prideful about not looking like a complete idiot, I probably would have.

Instead, I have thrice gone to the gym with the explicit intention of working the weights, seen the crowd, not wanted to look stupid and just hit the stationary bike instead.

On the one hand, that has been very good. I really kill it on the bike...I average a bit over 20 mph even on the top level the machine offers and biking is a calorie-eating exercise. Even at just putting out 43 watts, it claims I am burning 7-800 calories per hour.

Also, when Sean and I rode, I could feel myself staying stronger longer. It is a delicate balance between just laying back enjoying the ride and wanting to burn a boatload of calories. He was really cool about letting me push it a bit and we definitely road faster than normal.

I do not want to do that all too often. Good exercise, but I think less fun from the just hanging out with a friend standpoint. And that is why I have the gym membership.

Anyway, today after church I had a crazy thought. I bet not many people hit the gym on Sunday. Would be a great day to study the machines and see if I could figure out how to use them.

Sure enough, there were maybe 6 or 8 people. So I went straight to the machines. I read the instructions, and where they were not too complicated, I sat down and did 12 - 15 reps.

I am happy to say I now feel comfortable with my ability to work most of the machines. I went row by row and maybe 3 or 4 looked too complicated to try. So I did a lot of leg curls, leg presses, military presses, etc.

I did notice my left shoulder is completely shot. On the military press I noticed I could not lift it nearly as high as the right. It was 6-8" below it. I tried my "if I have enough desire, I can perform any physical task I desire" routine and it failed miserably. I simply cannot lift as high with my left arm.

It was a very sad moment.

Anyway, after running through the machines, I was only about 30 minutes in, so I went back to the stationary bike and tried to keep my heart rate at the specified 108 for fat burn. In 35 minutes I punched out 13.7 miles, burned something like 156 calories but was only putting out 43 watts. A constant 43 watts.

That was sad, since my cadence was often 138 r.p.m. which should be at least moderate effort. But according to the charts, it is only light effort. *Sigh*. Even when I try to work it, it says I am barely trying.

I did kill the rest of the pink lemonade while on the bike, about 200 calories.

530 for the day.

Then went shopping. I am happy to say I was much better; I loaded up on bananas for breakfast, grapes, a couple different types of apples, and even some strawberries. I will be pounding a lot of fruit this week.

I also grabbed some baby carrots. The only vegetable I do not despise. I am going to try and snack on those this week.

I also decided to switch it up and instead of turkey tacos, going with turkey burgers this week. Was going to get the lean ones, but they mix in peppers. Yech.

Grabbed some shrimp, orange juice, roast beef for lunch and a marinade.

Then I went to the soda aisle and...oh, I am proud of this. I passed on the soda. It was tough, but I really want to hit 220 so I am making sacrifices.

Got home, was starving. Hour at the gym, then shopping...got out the pan, ready to cook the burgers...and when they are frozen I cannot get the @#$%^&*(*&^ wax paper off. I have to thaw them out despite their ludicrous brag "freezer to grill, no thawing".

Sure...if you enjoy wax paper in your meal.

So I measured out some shrimp, had that and some baby carrots. 230? And I splurged on a coke, 140.

900 for the day. I am all set for one of my beloved monster dinners. Couple turkey patties (340), some cheese (80) and I foolishly grabbed some burger buns...170. 590 calorie double burger...mmmm....

I am starting to come down with a cold again, so I will have OJ with it.

I am keeping a few calories in the bank because I hope to A) get together with Sean and Michelle at Cold Stone later this week and B) want to have a small popcorn and hit Green lantern Tuesday.

So the plan for the week is simple;
I hope to ride to work Monday through Wednesday...looks like rain Thursday...and go to the gym for an hour Monday and Wednesday.

I should finish the cereal Monday morning and then have bananas, apples and grapes for breakfast the rest of the week. Roast Beef sandwiches with some of the Doritos I have left over from last week, then turkey burgers most evenings.

I really, really, really want to be 232 by next week, and down to 230 before flying out to visit Em.

Days like today where I should finish about 1300 will really help with that. Gives me an extra 569 already, so I should have 2/3rds of my ice cream covered...go me!

Meeting the friends

One of the downfalls of dating someone who originates from another state is the very real possibility you might marry them...without getting the approval of their friends. Take the Goose & I, for example...I first met her Mom and step-Dad about 2 years ago when she did her first marathon. Did not talk to them much. Have met her Mom a couple other times on her visits here but have not talked to her super much. Of her friends I have really only ever met Courtney and Natalie...and them only because they lived here in Oregon at the time. They both moved away so very, very few of the people instrumental to her development have ever met me.

The reverse of course is far from true. She knows my brothers and their wives quite well, has met all the guys except Billy that I grew up with and hung out with, my Dad thinks she is outstanding, she knows all the church people, and she knows even my "short time" friends such as Jr. Woodchuckette...a good friend I have known for less than 30 years :-). She knows them all.

Well, I was a bit nervous about meeting her friends and family. I have heard a great deal about them but never really met them. And I often find myself obnoxious...I can be loud, opinionated, disagreeable, argumentative, and tell way too many bad jokes. A few good ones, many bad ones. I often annoy even myself.

The flight took off at some horrendously early hour. This is doubly bad for me. I am at my most unpleasant in the mornings. "Morning person" goes with "Drew" much like "oil" goes with "water"...very poorly. I am often cranky and peckish in the morning. Add to that my extreme discomofort in airline seats. I swear when they sat down to design airline seats the conversation went something like this:

"Well, we could do something like arena seats. They crowd a lot of people in with relative comfort."
"Yeah, that would work. Or maybe we could make a few small adjustments and use theatre style seats. Again, you can cram a number of people into a relatively small space."
"Hey, wait a second...what are we thinking? If they are flying it isn't like they have a choice...so let's figure out the most ergonomically, comfortable seat possible to cram 200 people into space designed for 20...and then take all those elements, remove them, and build a seat from what is left over."

So early in the morning I am in one of the anti-ergonomic back breakers known as airline seating trying to read a book. It was a pretty smooth flight, albeit a bit longish. When we got to Denver we had only like a half hour to get on the other flight.

Now, if you have ever been to Denver you know about their moving walkways. These are long conveyor belts that pass about 3 gates each. Since we were running short on time we were barrelling along those. As we got on the second one we looked for the gate we needed. Some people would argue we should have checked BEFORE getting on the conveyor. Those people have never experienced the joy of being on a conveyor belt and watching the gate you are looking for roll by about half way down.

By this time I was awake enough to have a good laugh about it. The trip to Omaha was smooth and uneventful. We met John & Nancy (her step-dad and Mom) for the ride back to Lincoln. On the way there we got one of the planned events dealt with; we ate at Runzos.

Runzo is a small chain of restaraunts that makes...well, for lack of a better word I will say calzones. Pretty popular little chain, a nice break from the burger and taco fast-food type restaraunts. I do not understand why "fast food" and "bland clones of each other" seem to be synonymous. Seriously, does anyone NOT see the overwhelming similarities between McDonalds, Burger King, Wendys, Carls's Jr, Jack in the Box, etc? And certainly Taco Bell, Muchas Gracias and Taco Time fool nobody with their differences? Their similarities are more numerous than their disparities. Dairy Queen sort of stands out from the field with some menu variations...corn dogs, shrimp baskets, a wide variety of ice creams...but hey, you can get burgers there too. So having a fresh take was kind of cool in a KFC type of way.

That night her friends started rolling in for her little party. Now, for those of you who know me, the next line will strain the bounds of reason and believability. I went into shy mode. As each new person arrived they would be brought out into the little enclosed porch where John & I were hanging out. I would be given their name, respond with a head bob, maybe a "Nice to meet you". On the bright side, this prevents me from making some of my stupider comments. On the dark side...well, I come across as stand-offish.

Fortunately I redeemed myself from the stand-offish approach with a series of comments. On the dark side...they were some of the worst jokes I have told in quite some time. For example, Nancy gave Em a little statuette...a Precious Memories type thing with a nice comment on time together or something. Hard to say what it was...Nancy told her to read it, and before she could I said "In case of boredom in marriage, to be used as a murder weapon." On the dark side, that was a really, really stupid thing to say. On the bright side...it broke the ice and got a nice laugh. On the darker side...it also opened the floodgates and a great number of comments followed.

Later a few of us went to hear some live music as sort of a bachelorette thing...I know, I was part of it, so how did that work out? Quite well, actually, it was a lot of fun and they saw another side of me, so that was cool. And I got to chat with them a bit and get to know them a little bit, so that was cool too.

Otherwise the main thing I remember was being introduced to a card game called 500. John & Nancy are huge proponents of it and we played a series of games. It was the guys versus the girls. It was a lot of fun and it was good because it gave us time to hang out as a family, so to speak. So that was outstanding.

How is that for random moments?

Tragedy

Shrimpfest has been delayed by the most ironic thing; a giant.

How did a giant stop a shrimp?

Ridiculously long lines at Red lobster. Perhaps some other day. :-(

I just spent over an hour writing a long, involved post that delves deeply into what makes me who I am and why I did something this morning...but ultimately I decided perhaps it is still too fresh, too raw to have even semi-public so I changed it to where only I can read it (well...just me and those who know my "secret" password...which may or may not include my wife and nobody else).

So instead, look for numerous updates tonight as the nonsense of the morning means shrimp-fest is back on for tonight. So a mixed, bittersweet thing i guess