Parking Lot Genius Patrol

having decided I am too healthy, I headed off to the McArches to get some McFood of dubious (prior word applies to next several) origin, consistency, nutritional value and quality...but food I McEnjoy nonetheless.

As I sat there at the drive through window, I was able to watch a comedy of epic proportions.

They have about 8 parking spots pretty close to the front door. One guy had scored the second closest space and decided to open his door wide while he fiddled around with something in the passenger seat, thus preventing anyone from using the empty space next to him.

(Genius number one. Also a jerk, a selfish, oblivious nincompoop of Congressional proportions.)

Along comes some middle age woman in a Mercedes. Never mind why someone in an expensive auto such as that would select the McArches when there are numerous other, more nutritional, healthier choices...mamacita wanted her grease.

Well, two spots further from the door was an empty spot. But that was too far to walk. After all, walking the space of 2 car hoods is what...8 steps? So she pulled ahead and waited for Genius number 1 to realize she was there.

Genius number two...a self-important, pretentious, and let us not forget lazy, middle age woman.

So Genius number two sits there glaring bullets at oblivious genius one for...I don't know, 45 seconds? while he continued sitting there with his door as open as it could possibly be.

After quite some time...long enough for her to have parked in the first open spot she came to and made her way all the way into the store, by the way...he realizes with a start she is there.

He starts to shut the door, she starts to pull in...and he realizes his leg is still outside the car. She has to jamb on the brakes.

Yes...in a parking lot where she has been at a dead stop for the better part of a minute, where the max speed she could reach if she drove a Ferrari and stomped on the gas might reach 8 mph in that space...she has to jamb on the brakes.

I am laughing so hard I cannot even reach up to take my bag of empty calories from the window server.

She looks up to see what I am laughing at and has to duck her head back inside so they do not see her laughing. I, not constrained by workplace responsibilities, make no secret of my mirth at their genius ways.

So the guy yanks his leg in, backs out as quick as he can, nearly clocking a bypassing car, and speeds off.

Genius number 2, obviously shaken by the experience, pulls in at such an odd angle that her rear tire is on one yellow line, her front tire on the other yellow line.

As she gets out, I am thinking the only way this could get any better is if she forgets something in the car and has to retrace her steps, thus losing every bit of ground she gained by waiting for the 'closer" parking space.

I am wrong. It gets better. Without her going back.

This woman, ostensibly late 50s or early 60s, climbs out of her Mercedes. And I bury my head in the steering wheel with great, shaking heaves of laughter.

She is wearing jeans with...what do you call it, pegged jeans? Where instead of getting pants that fit, you get them too long and so roll them up?

No offense to those of you who wear these...but that is a complete tool move.

Well, okay...some offense, but then again, I am offended looking at them. Grow up.

Of course, that would be bad enough...just wearing more make-up than Jezebel, too lazy too walk 8 extra steps, going all Mario Andretti in a parking lot from 6 feet away, and being a matron wearing a teen-age bad taste fashion.


But the reason I almost had to turn off my car in the drive-thru of McNutrition was HOW she pegged them.

To about 2" below the knees. Oh, how I wish I had my camera with me!