And I thought the Guiness Book of World Records was stupid...

I have mocked the Guiness-ites many times. People are proud of "accomplishments" that, frankly, I am stunned anybody would care about. Stuff like removing the largest piece of continuous skin from their body, marrying the most women, peddling a stationary bike the longest, having the longest fingernail, memorizing pie to n zillion places...all worthy, worthwhile and wonderful deeds that make the doers proud, one would assume. Though why it would is a bit beyond me...those are all things akin to being a 70th level troll in Dungeons and Dragons and thinking it will get you a date. It might...but only if she is a 67th level troll herself.

Well...apparently the world of pointless contests was feeling jealous. I wrote a little while ago about the "over 70 beauty pageant" which, in its own way, is just as sick and twisted as the pre-pubescent skin shows that made Jon-Bonet Ramsey famous and in every way is as stupid and irrelevant as the various Miss America pageants...from Miss Teen to Miss Black to the "big one" itself. It still ranks lower than "Hold your wee for a Wii" radio contests...and that resulted in the death of a contestant!

Weird Al Yankovich did a good job of mocking a lot of these contests in his epic "Albuquerque" on his Running With Scissors Album. In the song he reveals he won a radio contest "to see who could guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's Bust...I was off by three but I still won the grand prize..."

First off he pokes fun at the absolute banality of the contests...and then at the desperate geekery of people so into their hobby that they would be unreasonably close to a minor, hard to attain factoid such as that...as well as the "celebrity" factor in so many of these contests.

Well, we are never without people willing to stoop even lower. People are proud of some stupid things. Imagine the pride and joy you would have if, for the rest of your life you could tell people that in 2007 you actually had the Worlds' Smelliest Sneakers...and you can prove it because you won a contest.

Now, normally I would comment at this point on how she must have made her mother proud...unfortunately, I cannot do that this time...because she obviously did. How do I know? Her Mom OFFERED HER SHOE-TRANSPORTING ADVICE! And explicitly stated she was proud of "the little stinker".

Yes, the lameness of this contest is only accentuated by the fact this girl and her father flew to Vermont from Utah to "compete"...vying with people from New York and New Mexico, among others.

Today I am ashamed to be an American.

Someone asked how I find all this nonsense. Well, this one is easy. I have a foot fetish.






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