There is a fish in a nearby pond with whom I have been engaged in an epic battle for years, with the fish stealing my bait and me trying to catch him for dinner.*
He is a sneaky little fish, always taking the worms off the hook, winding the expensive lures around underwater twigs so they get stuck and I lose them, and I am pretty sure last spring I saw him teaching crawdads how to use their pincers to snap my fishing line.
I have tried everything...worms, fish eggs, dry hooks, spinners, bobbers, flies, jigs, boilies. I have tried it with bobbers, pellet wagglers, downriggers, dynamite and an Uzi.
I tried sneaking up on him in the dark, coming at high noon, fishing all day, trolling the banks with a sniper rifle, and even imported a grizzly bear from Montana to catch the little beast.
He never actually eats the bait.
So tonight when I got there, I was a little sad to see someone else was there. I decided to see if he would let me make my attempt anyway, so down to the fishing hole I went.
He turned around and I got a shock...it was not a he but a she.**
And what a she. Classic dimensions rumored to be visually stimulating to the mail species. Wearing only stilettos and a bikini under her rain jacket. Long hair...I forget the rest.
As I stood there speechless she gave a crooked little smile and gestured me to come closer. Without thinking, I approached her and just as I got within reach she grabbed my arm and heaved.
Off-balance, I went flying into the creek, tackle box, fishing rod and all.
As I came up spluttering I looked to the side and there, half-hitching himself up on the shore pounding the gravel with his fin, shaking with laughter, was my nemesis.
He then spoke. "I win."
I shook my head in dismay. "What do you mean?"
He pointed his fin down in the water as he said, "how many years have you been chasing me? And you have never come even remotely close to catching me."
I looked where his fin was pointing and my jaw dropped. There, in a carefully dug hole, were years upon years of fishing failure...tangled lines, hooks, and I was pretty sure a worm farm was swarming off to the side.
There are moments your brain shuts down and this was one of them.
"Do you admit defeat and that I have caught you fair and square?" he asked.
I could only nod and say, "But...but...but how?"
He pointed at the nasty, slimy, crawling worms, then at the girl who had distracted me. "Who wants worms? I had better bait."
*The preceding line was an utter and complete lie. I am bored to tears of fishing, hate touching the worms, am scared to take the fish off the line, and never get a bite anyway. But I thought it was a funny joke so...there you go.
** Another lie. I assume you know this since the entire story is a lie, but just thought I would clarify. There was no person at the fictional fishing hole I invented solely for the purpose of this long, pointless, probably unfunny joke.
I do not have a fix for you! - I've been waiting to do another good rant, and here I go! As some of you know, I'm in charge of a several-thousand person event this month. I love my job. ...
2 weeks ago