There is really nobody to blame but myself. It is not as if there are not options, alternatives. It is not as if this is through the efforts of anyone but myself. But that does not make it any easier.
You see...I am lonely. Harshly, brutally, deeply, irredeemably lonely.
And again..let me emphasize there is nobody to blame but myself.
I have friends who live close by who honestly would probably like to get together rather more often than we do.
I have family who goes out of their way to include me.
And at times...that actually is a bit more difficult.
Take Friday (or was it Saturday?) evening for example. My brother, his wife, and her folks made a point of making sure i was included in their dinner, going to the extent of eating on the opposite side of town from planned and then stopping by afterwords for a nice lengthy rambling visit.
The problem is...they are my brother, sister in law, and her folks. I love them all deeply...but they are none of them my wife.
I know why we are doing this "she goes to school while I stay here and work" routine. There is no doubt in my mind it is the right thing to do and the right time to do it. In the long run, it will be well worth it.
But in the short term...it really, really, really, really is tough.
I miss her so much.
Not even that it is an epic encounter when we are together. It is not as if the wise-cracks and one-liners spouted off by Fullur, Mr. Wrubleski and myself are any funnier.
It is not as if the bike rides Bob Tres and I take are any more energetic.
Nor do I become an energetic, dynamic individual by any stretch of the imagination.
But it matters. Having with me the person I want and plan to share the rest of my life with means so much. Just sharing experiences, no matter how mundane and hum-drum they may be, matters.
If she were here today, the odds are decent she would be in one room watching some show I have no desire to watch while I was in a completely different room, painting models or out bike riding. Who knows.
What I do know is my entire outlook has changed. I have not even gone to see Alpha and Omega, The Town, The American, or even Machete. She would not even have gone to two or three of them, but the fact she is not here to share with me the experience of talking about what I saw...or even just how delicious the popcorn was...removes so much of the desire to go that I have not bothered.
Not that I have failed to be entertained. Today after church I spent an hour or two watching A-Team re-runs while painting, played a bit of poker, and just generally had a nice, relaxing afternoon.
But it is not the same.
It hurts so bad being separated. Not being able to see her smile or just a friendly hello.
Talking via e-mail or online is not the same.
Hanging out with friends is not the same.
Hanging out with family is not the same.
It is the woman I love and married and have every intent of spending many, many happy years with not being here that colors everything with a tinge of sadness, even when I am with friends/family/co-workers.
I miss her so much.
Maybe a little Smokey Robinson is in order...
What I do know is the end of nursing school/boards/internships could end tomorrow and it would still be too far away.
Life just ain't as good without her.
What I wanted to say - Dear Tootie, You are no longer suffering, and for that I am grateful. I've gone through so many feelings since you left this world Saturday. Grief, relief...
2 months ago