From time to time there is an injustice in this country that comes to light. These occasions typically include instances that affect many thousands of people...sometimes millions.
I have stumbled across such an injustice. I have made it my mission in life to bring the perpetrators to justice.
I spent many long hours considering the best way to bring justice back to the world. Some avenues were, of course, dismissed out of hand.
Nonsense such as bombings and murder lower me to their level and render my objections meaningless.
I do not have the ambition to fight them politically.
I do not have the experience to put together a grass-roots movement full of splinter cells and so forth to bring the masses to critical heat to bring about the overthrow of evil.
But I do have a solution.
And that is where you come in. I need you to be part of my class-action lawsuit.
Ah, yes, class-action lawsuits. Last refuge of the people who are not themselves hurt but see an opportunity to make a few bucks for themselves and their lawyers by representing those who we suspect may actually have been harmed...even if those people never realize it or profit from our actions.
You see, there is a terrible travesty of injustice taking place right here, right now in our country. It is nearly ubiquitous. Many people are subjected to it and we need to stop it.
Hence the class-action lawsuit.
Now you, valued patron, probably are desirous of knowing just exactly what the lawsuit is that your generous donation will support. By the way, please, no checks...just large bundles of small denomination, unmarked non-sequential bills placed in a suitcase and left in a location to be named later. Receipts will not be provided for tax purposes. But you should be willing to contribute anyway to stopping this heinous injustice.
You see, every day in America, people are being mis-led. False promises are being made. Deceit, deception, and outright lies are the calling cards of this horrific scam. You have probably been subjected to it without even being aware.
I hereby send forth a call to begin a class-action lawsuit against every radio station playing Christmas music for the crime of false advertising.
You see, Christmas music is replete with lies and deceptions, depictions of behavior that are celebrated in song but prosecuted in life.
A few examples are in order.
The Song: "Deck the Halls"
The Result. I thought it was a good idea. David Hall is a jerk. So I decked him. next thing I know I am in court, accused of assault.
The song: "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas"
The Result: I tried, she replied, "I am not that kind of girl" and now I have to post signs in my front yard.
The song: "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree"
The Result: Hours of frustration. No matter how hard I rocked, my chair remained more or less stationary.
The song: "Grandma Got Run Over by a reindeer"
The Result: Sure, run her over with a reindeer, everyone laughs, thinks it is funny. Do it with your car and you are back in court. Mustang = horse, more or less = deer. Why no longer funny?
The song: "Santa Clause is Coming to Town"
The result: Many sleepless nights, wondering at what point this rotund robber, this holiday hooligan, this benevolent bandit will make his illegal entry...only to find out the song is a lie in the first place. There is no Santa Clause.
So as you can see, Christmas Music is replete with false advertising, it causes people who follow its precepts to get into a great deal of legal trouble, and usually fails to deliver on its promises. This must stop now. Can I count on your for a contribution?
P.S. For those with no sense of humor who think the above is in poor taste...bah humbug.
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