Fresh off yesterdays hilarious post, today I am really feeling it for a variety of reasons.
One of them is the changing nature of friendships.
Now, to be sure, I have some wonderful "new" ones. I mean, since High School, I can think of at least five friends I have made right off the top of my head...The Goose, Riot Kitty, Space Monkey, Pheromone Girl, Liam...
Of course, of those, the Goose lost her mind and married me, Riot Kitty and I contact each other more through our respective blogs than live (my fault...I moved across town and got smurfed up shifts at work), PG has been in absentia lately, Space Monkey and I also have different shifts and I see Liam about once a month when we engage in toy soldier wars.
But what really hurt was something about one of my ling time friends.
To be fair, we have definitely drifted apart as our lives took different paths. Family requirements and so forth, different living regions, and so forth.
But there was an activity that we still did together off and on. We took a break for a little bit.
And I inadvertently found out that this friend started it up again. Which is good. Sort of.
The thing that bothers me is that where I have always gone out of my way to at the very least invite this individual, the reverse is not necessarily true.
It shouldn't bother me. I know that.
He is in no way obligated to ask if I want to participate. Furthermore, I could not even if I wanted to at this stage.
But in a way, it was like having the final thread cut away. That last lingering feeling that the friendship of over 3 and a half decades has not only undergone a fundamental shift, but has actually reached the point where we lead such different lives that if not for our growing up time, we would probably not be friends at all.
It is nothing that is anybodies fault. It is a natural part of life. Your childhood friendships change as the world takes over...work, family, changing interests.
But it still sucks on the days when it hits home just how much things have changed.
There was a time where I had three friends whom I had grown up with, with the shortest amount of time being from when I was 11 or 12 (however old you are in 5th grade) and the longest being from my earliest memories.
In all cases, I felt like I could call them any time, day or night, with any request no matter how outlandish, and they would come through.
Now, of them all, only one lives in the state, and I actually see him less than I do the one who lives furthest away.
In other words, even my oldest, deepest friendships have changed fundamentally to where I would not feel comfortable doing that with any of them.
Intellectually, I have known that for some time.
But tonight, I know it down deep inside where I actually live. And it sucks.
There are positives. I still obviously have the close friendships with my brothers and a few others. And they mean a lot to me.
And none of you should feel slighted when I say...at the moment, it still hurts. Change is part of life but we are not always ready for it, nor ready for it to hit home.
What I wanted to say - Dear Tootie, You are no longer suffering, and for that I am grateful. I've gone through so many feelings since you left this world Saturday. Grief, relief...
2 weeks ago