I know it's cheesy, but...

I keep offering, they keep declining. My handy crime planning service can really keep you from getting embarrassed.

For example:

Your plan: Rob a cheese shop of their daily receipts. 

How I can improve it: Make sure you are fiercer with a gun in your hand than a shop-keeper is launching cheese at your face. I mean, seriously, you thought a very ripe Gorgonzola was so dangerous you had to run? Frankly, you are an embarrassment to criminals everywhere. The guy who broke into the police station thinks you are lame.