A touchy piece of work

There is a situation going on that I am somewhat hesitant to approach because once more I am a bit unsure of how I can best act in a situation. Not everything in life is black and white which, at times, is most unfortunate. This is one of those times.

An individual I am very close to is going through extremely difficult times with their spouse at the moment. This has been a recurring theme. And hard to watch. I have watched the decline of this individual...let's call him Joe for convenience...since the marriage. His health has been shot, his mind has declined...there are still times when he shows flashes of who he has always been but all too often these days due to certain factors that is not true.

He has a controllable disease but controlling it requires proper diet and exercise. His spouse consistently feeds him exactly the wrong things. For example, starches are horrible for him as are pastas and breads. After discussing that one time with his spouse...let's call her Nermal...she made spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner. There are worse foods for Joe...she could have fed him straight sugar...but not many.

And should he fail to consume whatever horrific food selection she makes for him then she opens the nagmobile for business and makes his life a living hell. I have been there and seen it and heard it, this is not second hand. She browbeats him, she gets her feelings hurt because he does not commit slow suicide by eating stuff that is bad for him.

Even without that she is very stressful to be around. Joe has quit numerous things he enjoyed because it wasn't worth fighting her over. The stress has become so debilitating that it was an open question whether he would make it to some rather important events...he did, and did well at them, but even he questioned if he would be able to because the stress levels are so high.

Even worse, Nermal is jealous of Joe's first wife...a woman who died of cancer. How jealous? She cut the first wife out of pictures and replaced them with pictures of herself. She gets angry if Joe's kids talk about their mother with their father.

Now, it is possible not all of this is Nermal's fault. Nermal has a condition which requires medication. Of course, Nermal refuses to actually TAKE said medication which may or may not be a cause of her actions. But the help is there and she refuses to take it. Is it her fault then? That is a question for the mental health experts. I only know the results.

Recently Nermal reverted to some old habits. She started accusing Joe of having an affair with a long-time family friend, a ridiculous accusation she has made in the past. And, knowing her, will make again in the future. And left.

And I cheered.

For that statement to make sense you have to understand my views on marriage. I believe in the sanctity of marriage so strongly that I stayed with my first wife through 5 affairs that I knew about. More have since come to light that people thought I knew about. I stayed with her through not one, not 2, but 3 times when she claimed to be pregnant by other guys and then miscarry. It was only when she claimed to have never been pregnant that I left.

I stayed through all that for a few reasons including Joe's example as a forgiving person, my own religious beliefs on forgiveness and my belief in the Scriptural admonition that "God hates divorce". I tried very hard to make it work.

So for me to say that I cheered a leaving where no infidelity exists is a fairly shocking statement. And it explains the awkward position I am in.

As a friend I want nothing more than for Nermal to stay far, far away from Joe. I want Nermal to be a non-entity.

I firmly believe Joe would be happier and healthier. He would eat better, he would exercise more, he would be under far less stress. From all those standpoints he would be far better off.

But.

There is always a qualifier, right? And this is no exception. There is a qualifier.

Joe is very religious. He takes the Bible very seriously and, as such, is bound by its precepts EVEN WHEN THEY ARE INCONVENIENT.

This is one of those times. It is entirely possible Nermal will stay away of her own accord. Past history suggests in a short time she will figure out what she did and come back begging forgiveness and apologizing. Now, I believe it is pretty clear my personal feelings...stay away, Joe! Tell her no, begone, be not near me, I want no part of you and your destructive ways!

But from a religious standpoint he would have no right to say that.

And also important...from the standpoint of who he is as a person...a loving, forgiving person whose door is always open even to those who have repeatedly done him wrong and never apologized...I am looking in the general direction of his eldest daughter here as just one example of hundreds...well, for him to change that here would be devastating not only to him but also to all of us watching who know him and know who he is.

And that is hard to deal with.

I am torn between what I want and what I know needs to happen. Maybe that is one reason I love movies so much. They at least have possibilities. This is one case where there is no possible happy ending and that is kind of hard to deal with.