Elvis said it, "That's the wonder of you"

Many years ago...approximately exactly 13...I had walking pneumonia. That was actually a step up...I was able to go to work, though it was not fun. The prior year I had full-blown pneumonia. This was quite enjoyable.

For something like 3 weeks I was able to do nothing but lay around the house. Oh, sure, there were downsides...being so cold that the sweat turned to icicles, it being so hot that I put blankets on to cool down but then kicked them off, not eating for so long that they had to reteach me how to hold a knife and spork...oh, good times. So good I did not even read or watch tv or...well, do much of anything except moan and whine and sweat and cough and choke.

(for the faint of heart, easily offended, or people with taste, stop reading now. This gets disgusting. you have been warned.)

The best part was the weeks after it. At any given moment I could hawk up 2 - 3 ounces of pure Green goo. Think about the size of that for a second and it kind of gives you a rough idea. And yeah...this came up the throat, out the mouth so I got to savor the flavor for quite some time. Of course, if I made the supremely wise decision of trying to wash out the flavor with a little spot of H2O it simply gave my body more fuel for the green.

Now, you might think that experiencing this twice in one life would be enough. You would think wrong. Through the wonders of weakened immune systems, every year since 1994 at least once and usually 2 or 3 times a year...sometimes 4...I enjoy many parts of this scenario.

For example, for about 3 weeks I have been unable to sleep because I am so plugged up that I cannot breathe at night. At least twice that has led to all-night non-slumber parties. During the day I choke and cough and hack. I actually spend about 10 - 15 minutes in the morning just blowing my nose trying to clear the passageways. On the bright side, they become clear. On the dark side, they only remain clear for something like 2 minutes. By the time I reach my car I am coughing and choking.

My throat is perpetually raw. I have a thrumming headache that ibuprofen can't touch, even in ridiculous doses of 4, 6, 8 pills at a time. Not only do they not help, they actually make the headache worse.

So other than not wanting to eat, drink, sleep, breathe, cough, open my eyes, close my eyes, move, or stay still it really isn't too bad. I am physically miserable, mentally inept, and lack involvement in goings on around me. I am as pleasant as a poltergeist, as happy as a depressant, and feel as good as the dog you see every so often called "Lucky"...you know the one, lost his eye to a firecracker, lost his leg in a bear trap, arthritic, lost his fur to mange...

It isn't that I have not tried. I tried the shelf crap...Tylenol, Nyquil, Theraflu, Claritin, a couple others...and they habitually not only do not alleviate the symptoms, they help me feel worse. I have been to multiple doctors who assure me I do not have allergies or anything like that.

I would like to think it is not that I have a low tolerance for pain. I have been known to play basketball on a sprained ankle, walk within a week after having a railroad tie dropped on my toes, etc. But I am about done tolerating this crap. I just can't take it much longer. I don't know what to do. Move to a different climate, have plastic surgery to close off my nasal passages, clone myself...I don't know. I am just sick of being sick for sickeningly long times in sickening ways. I would love to be able to breathe or sleep. Either one would be fine.

Okay, done ranting, returning you now to your regularly scheduled banality.