Drew's Home Repair Tips Part I

Last night I attempted a simple home repair. Nothing spectacular...well, the job wasn't, but the results almost were. And not in a good way. And it called to mind an event from back when I lived in my apartment when I wrote about another home repair that...well...was not a spectacular success. So with a bit of touching up, here I recreate an embarrassing bit of my personal history.

Home repair has never been my expertise. I will probably never forget, no matter how hard I try, the time I was explaining electrical safety to my ex-wife Andrea and her brother. I was installing a washer and dryer in our (at the time) new home.

"The first thing you always do is make sure the power is off to that location," I explained as I went to the electrical box. I quickly found the switch marked washer and dryer and flipped it off. I went over to remove the wires, inserted the screwdriver, and got a nasty buzz in my finger from the live wire. Later I noticed there were TWO switches marked washer and dryer. Of course I selected the wrong one first and at that point strongly considered flipping it off again.

It therefore came as no surprise that trading out toilets, a simple matter of turning off the water, loosening 4 bolts, removing the first bowl and reversing the process, became a two week project, or that simply rehanging a door...removing 9 screws, taking down that door, putting the new door in place and screwing in 9 screws... took a month or more.

Home improvement and I have never gotten along. Fast forward 8 years or so to the recent past. I had learned a lot from working in the door shop for a year or so and was (theoretically) much more handy with tools. I also liked to try and fix things myself to demonstrate my newfound (theoretical) competence so there would REALLY be something for the maintenance guy to do when he shows up to repair whatever I attempted. Typically he would have nothing to fix if I had not tried first.

It is also a truth that I am a hairy, hairy human being. If I did not cut it every week I could probably braid my ear hair. My arms are hairy, my back is hairy, my chest is hairy...even my hair is hairy. Even worse, I used to cut my own hair. Typically after cutting it I would promptly take a shower so the leftover hair would not give me that classic "you have head hair on your back hair" itch. Sure enough, some hair occasionally makes it down the drain. So unsurprisingly, after a few turns of this the drain started to work more slowly.

The right way to fix this, for those of you scoring at home, is to NOT GET YOUR HAIR IN THE DRAIN. My way was simpler...I poured Drain Works down there every so often. Well, my (at the time just "future") wife Emily was trying to run a marathon. I tried to encourage her by running with her the first day, about three miles. Unfortunately I had snapped the tendon in the bottom of my foot a little over a year prior when playing basketball.

So after the run I was tired and sore. I decided to take a nice, hot bath. It felt good, but I kept having to refill it as water incessantly drained out. Since I was reading, I kept manipulating the water with my foot. I got done, hit the flap, and drained the tub. I had cut my hair the night before, so I did not really pay attention when it drained more slowly. In fact, I sort of expected it. I tapped the switch that toggles the drain open and closed, and it popped right back to where it had been. I went on about my business.

Over the next few days, I kept noticing the tub taking longer and longer to drain. Being me, I did not worry about it. I had this bizarre theory that things would fix themselves if I just ignored them. Yeah, that works well...

Then came the day I got standing water. Being a typical male, I did not call maintenance and ask for help. I went where any intelligent, responsible, motivated maintenance guy could, should, and would go...I went to the Dollar Tree. I bought a couple bottles of Drain Works and used them. Lo and behold, the drain started working SLOWER.

Being an intelligent, aggressive go getter, I decided it was time to step up to the plate and get this fixed right. So I went back to the Dollar Tree and bought 5 more bottles. Over the course of the next day I poured them in turn down the drain. Well, I hope they went down the drain...the next morning I noticed the tub drained even slower...in fact, I think it stopped draining after about the third bottle because now I started to have standing water.

I lived in an apartment. I had their phone number. They have a guy who does maintenance. That is his job. If he had no maintenance to perform, he would have no job. So I did what any red-blooded American male would do. I went back to the Dollar Tree for another 5 bottles, though this time I switched brands of drain cleaner.

The next morning I noticed two things. First, the tub was about 1/3 full of standing water. And it was ice cold water. I could keep coke cold for weeks if I wanted. So I cranked the water as hot as it would go and swirled it around so I would be able to stand in it. I got in and went to pull the lever that turns it into a shower. That is when I discovered the second fact about the tub.

Apparently, 12 bottles of Drain Works makes ceramic really, really slick. This in turn makes maintaining your balance somewhat difficult. I started to fall. Naturally, I stuck my hand out for balance and it struck the drain lever. Which promptly was pushed all the way down for the first time since my bath and sucked out all the standing water so fast I thought the whirlpool was going to suck me down with it.

Now you know why guys don't call maintenance.