You are lucky to know me part 2

Now, some people may still be under some illusions. Perhaps they were mislead by a couple bits of intriguing writing to believe I do not actually believe I am the smartest, funnies, sexiest, most talented, most poetic person walking the earth today. I must convince you of reality and how great I am. And now I have further proof.
You might recall that back on July 7th I received a letter notifying me of how well my last poem was received. Put on a condom before you read the rest of this, because today I will enclose that award winning poem. It is not everyday you read the poetry of someone nominated as Poet of the Year...and reading the actual poem that won an Outstanding Achievement in Poetry has to be better than sex...I just don't want the girls reading this have poet children from the excitement. So a literary condom is definitely in order. Practice safe Poetry, that is my motto.
For those of you who are among the uneducated minority, the non-elite readers of my genius, let me describe a literary condom. They are readily available on the back of most airplane seats. They are made of...I don't know, plastic or something. People frequently use them when they get airsick. The condoms have a handy ziploc seal to prevent any escaping moisture from infecting the liquidator or causing long-term discomfort for the recipient...so grab one before you read the poem, okay? You have been warned...and as you should know by now, when someone as great as I warns you, you had best heed the warning. After all, I am great. And you, obviously, since you are reading this and not writing it, are not great. Well, you might be great, but you are not as great as me.
Now, as if my incredible poem, easily on the level of the Charge of the Light Compared to Elephants Brigade or On Walden Ponders, had not received sufficient recognition, today I received yet another award in the mail.
That's right, here is what it said; I am delighted to inform you that your poem 'Salsa Culture' has been awarded our prestigious Editor's Choice Award because it displays a unique perspective and original creativity--judged to be the qualities most found in exceptional poetry."
They also have requested my permission to be one of only 33 poets whose work will be featured on the upcoming cd poetry collection, "The Sound of Poetry". Oh, I know you are impressed, as well you should be. After all, are you cool and talented enough to have had poetry.com write you this line? "I'm writing to get your permission to include your poem 'Salsa Culture' in this highly acclaimed and internationally distributed three album collection..."
Now, I know you will all want copies of both the book and cd. The book is only something like 50 bucks plus 8 or 10 shipping and handling. No doubt it will be "beautifully and handsomely bound" or some such wonderful presentation. And, while you are about to read my marvelous and groundbreaking poem for the low low price of reading all this other smurf, no doubt you will wish to have 7 or 8 of these books yourself so you can pass them on to your loved ones. After all, while Weird Al may have written "What better way to say 'I love you' than with the gift of a spatula" (UHF, 1989), you and I know the best way to tell someone you love them is to let them bask in my brilliance until they have worn the leaves of this marvelous volume of poetry by the most talented person you know.
Even better, after you read it, for an additional 49 bucks plus 8 shipping and handling (I can only assume shipping is 49 cents and handling is 7.51 since they need gloves to handle a poem this hot..as you will soon see...), you can hear it read! How cool is that? Like the Sahara, that is how cool! And you had best admit it!
Now, since this poem was written by me, I must again recommend you have a literary condom readily available when you read this poem. After all, this great poem, winner of so many awards, so highly acclaimed, soon to be published in such a marvelous manner, both in the U.S. and internationally, presents a very clear and present danger of causing you to become pregnant with love of the poetry, and bring forth a poetry child...and I can't handle any more poetic love child support payments right now. I must spend my money buying time to ponder and muse as I prepare to unleash upon the world another masterpiece. Like Michaelangeloooow, I spew forth one great work after another, as surely you must admit.
So now, without further ado (although it seems like most of the voices are saying Don't, Don't), here is the poem; promise me you have you poetry condom handy before you read this. I cannot be held responsible for any need to clean your carpets after you read this if you do not take proper precaustions;

Salsa Culture,
by Drew Barton
International Poet of Merit,
2005International Society of Poets member, 2005-2006
4 time published poet, including twice internationally
writer of crap

The sun beating down on the forehead
The moon overhead at night
We go forth for salsa regardless the weather
and everything seems just right
More than a dance to a musical verse
Salsa brings joy to the heart
Removing the tears, removing the fears,
it feels like a brand new start.
Your friends, your loved ones, or strangers too,
they rythym, the life join you together
and open the culture to you.
Best of all, it is only $1.99 at Winco
The chips cost a bit more.

Wow. I mean, doesn't it bring a tear to your eye? And warm the heart? DO you really think you are cool enough to know and talk to the person who wrote something like that?
Now, because I love all my readers, I am going to let you in on my secret of how I write things such as this. When I see one of these contests where you can (allegedly) conceivably win 20,000 for writing poetry, I instantly take a subject from recent experience, instantly write the absolute worst crap I can think of, make some approximation of rhyme (night/right, heart/start, too/you...wow...the majesty, warmth, and power of those pairings...and don't get me started on how WELL they were metered) and send it in.
Even more stunningly, I am so extremely talented that even my attempts to suck prove to be so well received they invariably publish my work. Oddly, I do not own a single piece of my poetry in a published book even though for only 49.95 I could have a copy. You would think poetry so marvelous that Pulitzer prize-winning poet W.D. Snodgrass was going to listen to me read would make enough money they could give the author a book.
I am sure then you will understand if next time you call I am too important to answer the phone. Write me if you wish, but...after all...someone as talented as me you are simply lucky to know. I find it dubious that I should deign speak to such untalented people as anyone who is not at least twice published as a poet. I am sorry, but it must be that way. After all, it is hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by buzzards.


editors note; except for the quotes of the letters received, the titles and awards they granted me, this and the previous post may contain lies. The thoughts and opinions expressed by the author do no reflect the thought and opinions actually held by the author.

Drew
International Poet of Merit, 2005
International Society of Poets member, 2005-2006
4 time published poet, twice internationally
writer of crap
mocker of people who are published multiple times by Poetry.com