The largest...joke in recent memory

Sometimes, you encounter a moment so special, so wonderful, so amazing that you know you should treasure it in your mind for a long time to come. It can be a meeting with a friend, a trip with family, a great book, a moment in a movie, or a host of other things. Saturday was one of those moments.
I have lived in Oregon for many years. I was born in Portland and, except for a couple years in Illinois and a few months in Denver have lived close to Portland for my entire life. I have seen most of what Oregon has to offer. I have seen the pristine waters of Crater Lake and the not quite pristine waters of McNulty Creek. I have been to Multnomah Falls and ridden the Columbia River Gorge Sternwheeler.
I have been through back country hiking trails and rafted the Deschutes. I can truly say that I have experienced many wonderful things in Oregon. But none of those experiences could prepare me for the magnificence...the wonder...the sheer awe inspired by the most incredible sight I have ever seen. I think I can say without hyperbole that the single greatest monument in Oregon...and possibly on earth...finally fell within the realm of my gaze.
As you travel Highway 26 westward you see many marvelous things. You pass the rapidly recovering land devastated by the Tillamook Burn. You see the marvelous Pumpkin Fields and the Corn Maize maze growing. You see the dude who has his own airstrip in his front yard. Further on you pass the famous Camp 18 with its massive ridge pole.
As wonderful and marvelous as these are, they simply cannot compare with the sight that awaits you just before you reach the Seaside-Cannon Beach turnoff. For there, on the right, there lies a side road. There is a sign that advertises what you will find. "The Largest Spruce Tree in the United States" it says.
You gasp in wonderment. Can it be true? Are you worthy of viewing such a wonder? Will they let you in? Your heart rate increases, sweat starts rolling down your brow, your hands tense on the steering wheel. You hesitate, but then...you just go for it! Wrenching the wheel around, you take that side road.
Anticipation grows as you drive. You have seen spruce trees before...many of them, in fact. You have even seen large spruce trees. You have seen many large trees...such as the Redwood you once drove through.
That has long been a favorite memory. After all, how cool is it to drive through a tree? I remember telling one friend how we were able to drive through a tree in Redwood. Now, Jake was never the sharpest tool in the shed, so I suppose I should have foreseen what he would do, but he Jedi Mind-tricked me into not knowing what was coming.
Right after I told him about how we had driven our station wagon through a Redwood tree in California, he took his Yugo and tried to drive through a fir tree here in Oregon. I guess I forgot to tell him they hollowed out the base of the redwood, so instead of driving through a tree he kind of drove into it. I must admit, his funeral was a little sad. Not as sad as me being Jedi Mind-tricked by someone that devoid of intellect, but sad nonetheless.
Obviously, I have seen some large trees. None of them, though, could prepare me for what I was about to see. My friend Kevin gave me a shoebox. I cut a small hole in one end and a slightly larger hole in the other end. We parked the care and, wearing our shoe-box blinders, slowly we approached the tree.
My breath was coming in great gasps as my heart pounded like a miniature giant trip-hammer, rapidly pounding a tiny nail that provides just the right amount of resistance to keep from being driven in yet without damaging the hammer. It was a good thing, too, because I don't think a hammer would do my chest much good.
Finally, the first bits of bark came into view. I gasped audibly as the sheer enormity of what I was starting to see overcame me. It is fortunate Kevin had prepared me and recommended the shoebox blinder because no human being could look on the majesty of the Largest Spruce Tree in the United States all at once without going blind and most likely having a heart attack and dying. It has to be taken in little by little.
Now, to be fair, the bark looked a lot like other bark that I have seen on OTHER spruce trees. And the tree did look very much like many other spruce trees I have seen...except bigger. But still, has the enormity of what I saw really struck you? It is the LARGEST SPRUCE IN THE UNITED STATES!
I really have to wonder how they know this. I mean, did they take a tape measure all over the place and measure all the spruce trees? Or is it simply the spruce tree with the most branches? Or is it just the tallest one? Or is it all these things and more? Is it home to the most squirrels? What about termites? How can we truly understand the impact and comprehend all the tangential issues that make up the majesty of the largest spruce tree in the United States?
And the sense of community...why, sometimes people hold hands around a tree and dance and sing so they can feel a sense of community. Now imagine the 9 people it takes to do this around a large tree...well this is not just any tree....it is a spruce. And not just a spruce but a large spruce. In fact, it is the LARGEST SPRUCE TREE IN THE UNITED STATES! Now, imagine you were to circle this in a sense of community? It might take...I don't know, ten people? And what a thrill it would be to have that sense of community with 9 other people!
Of course, realizing you feel that sense of community because you are holding hands around what is proclaimed the Largest Spruce Tree in the United States might make you realize it was a community of retarded people, but still...think of the sense of community!
Clearly the magnificence is overwhelming me...it is hard to see the keyboard for the tears of joy that are flowing because I was blessed to see this marvelous sight...at least, I would have been blessed to see this marvelous sight if I didn't think the concept was stupid beyond belief...I must go now. I need a tissue. Probably made from the SECOND largest spruce in the United States.