While I am working on it...

Coming soon to a blog near you, probably this one but hey...strange things sometimes happen and it might bleed across a few others in its sheer awesomeness..is perhaps the single greatest post ever placed upon the world wide web. So stay tuned for greatness, though be wary...I will not be held responsible if you go blind from over-exposure to pure awesomeness when I get it finished.

While you wait, since I know after that lead-in you will clearly be unable to sleep as you wait in breathless anticipation for the wonder I am preparing for you to feast your eyes upon, I bring you this little bit shamelessly lifted from an e-mail that makes the rounds and comes to me about every two years ago, each time bringing me many laughs.



Gotta love those Church Ladies and their typewriters!
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

from the e-mail bag

From the e-mail bag, something I found at least vaguely humorous

12 Indicators that the economy is bad



12.  CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 

11.  I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 

10.  I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.  

9.  Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8.  Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7.  McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6.  People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names. 

5.  The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4.  People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

3.  Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2.  The Mafia is laying off judges.

1.  If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.. 

From the e-mail bag

At PSU I was required to take a language. To say I hated the 2 years of Spanish is one of the great understatements of all time. It was the first and only time in my life I felt idiotic, incompetent, and incapable of successfully completing my work. It is probably no exaggeration to say I spent more time doing homework and studying for that class than for every other class I have ever taken combined.
School always came easily to me...except that. To this day, I honestly believe I could walk into any class given that has an open book final (and there are surprisingly large numbers of those) without having studied and ace the test. Don't laugh, I have done that before...though that is certainly the exception.
Anyway, Spanish was horrible. I hated the classes, dreaded going, and dreaded every minute of class. I did do the work...I made thousands of flash cards which I studied relentlessly. I listened to Spanish music virtually exclusively...except for when I had the verb cds to study along with on my drives to and from work...I watched Shrek II in Spanish about a thousand times...and no, that is not a joke. I had it on continuous loop at home and would see it 4, 5,6 times a night and even more on Saturdays.
I still hate that class...and it was 2 or 3 years ago. Maybe 4, I don't know, I lose track. The point is, studying Spanish blew great hairy chunks.

And Spanish is supposed to be EASY to learn, comparatively; just think of the poor saps who have to learn that train-wreck called English. So here is a bit of humor (?) someone e-mailed me to give you just a hint of the problems they face.
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English words.........Gotta love this!!!! Enjoy!!!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant,nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffinsweren't invented in England or French fries in France Sweetmeats arecandieswhile sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don'tgroce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick?'

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this;There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any othertwo-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting,why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UPfor election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary,it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain,we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP! When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,so........... it is time to shut UP.....!