Tonya Harding for Governor part I: details inside

Let's go back in the Weasel Time machine. Let's go back to 1994.

Local Portland suburb native Tonya Harding was dazzling the figure skating world. In an insular competitive world where appearances frequently triumph over substance, it was no shock she would be having success. With looks like this, how could she not?







She was at the top of game, second only to Nancy Kerrigan, the top skater with whom she had a friendly rivalry.





While people have, from time to time, questioned various things about Tonya, those things did not include her competitive spirit. Even when she went on the very classy, talent laden Fox television show "Celebrity Boxing" in which various pseudo-celebrities you may or may not have remembered showed you what two over the hill, out of shape, desperate for attention losers who made their fame acting or skating or licking tuba reeds could do if only you put them in their element...a boxing ring.


So someone...not saying who it was, but someone who was quite clever and intelligent concocted a plan to ensure Tonya's competitive spirit and talent would be rewarded.


If only Kerrigan could be induced to make a mistake in her routine, Tonya might have a clear shot at the Gold medal. Failing that, they could just cripple her.


Now, some people believe the above story. I am here to tell you that is not true.*


The truth is, Tonya, Shane Stant,Jeff Gillooly, and Shawn Eckhardt did not have Nancy Kerrigan on their mind at all when they got to the arena that day.


In truth, they were debating what was the fiercest, deadliest animal in the world.


Shawn argued for the turkey. Willing to stare into the rain until it drowns, the fearless nature of the turkey brooks no argument in getting its way...and should it be slain by its opponent, it will choke said opponent to death on its bones.


Shane argued for the woodpecker, largely based on an occurrence in his youth where he saw a woodpecker rip off a mans leg. His argument would have been derailed had he realized the man wore a wooden leg...


Tonya argued for the armadillo. Slow though it might be, its mighty armor and willingness to flatten hundreds of tires in Texas certainly seem lethal.


But it was Jeff who came up with the potential winner. Baby seals. He wove such powerful arguments that I cannot repeat them here...suffice it to say the baby seal is deadlier, more lethal than any other animal known to man.


Soon all were agreed...and it was likewise agreed they should do something about it and that something could not wait until post-competition.


So they decided to go out and club a baby seal.

Unfortunately, there were no baby seals nearby and they were not sure if they had the right tool for the job anyway. So they decided to try it out on the next target they saw.

It was hardly their fault Nancy chose that moment to exit the skating surface.

They were not after her...they were just doing a test run in their baby seal clubbing war.

* The sentence preceding the above asterisk is more or less an outright lie. The words following it are intended to bring laughter to the fans...the 2 or 3 fans...who occasionally waste a few minutes of their lives reading this trash.