Let me set the stage.
I love bike riding. It is very good exercise, low-impact and thus not overly harmful to the shreds of health I have remaining, it reminds me of a simpler time, and there is just something about the breeze you feel when rocketing down a hill that is pure awesome.
I have spent far more than intended in the last couple of years getting all my bike gear set up. I now have helmet, gloves, rain gear, floor pump, water bottle holder, and until I lost it, an emergency pump on the bike.
I have ridden hundreds of miles this summer, including a quite entertaining trip with my good friend Mr. Riot Kitty. (Yes, it is definitely a link you should follow and a shade less than 3 minutes of your life well spent).
I am a big fan of prudent, non-intrusive biking.
With that said...there is a bicycle event I hate with every fiber of my being.
I can count on one hand...possibly on one FINGER the things in life that I hate more than I hate this event.
That would be the "Seattle to Portland" or STP for short.
I hate it so much I cannot accurately put it into words.
Not all of it. Some of the riders are safe, sane, and courteous.
But I hate the jerks riding five wide into the HIGHWAY lanes.
These are not side streets you jerkwads. These are HIGHWAY roads.
I hate the jack-offs who put their rigs side by each and slow to 25 mph in 55mph zones because they do not want the vehicles driving the speed limit.
I hate the jackanapes who picnic on private lawns.
I hate the way those !@#$%^&* block off entrances to highway businesses/roads/houses I am trying to get to.
I thought about it for close to an hour on the way home and have to say I cannot think of even one single, solitary, good thing to say about that event. Quite the opposite.
I think my fondest hope is for someone who hates it even more than me to decide to pass one of their 2-car road-blocks, start to illegally pass it in the center, see a cop coming, over-correct back into his own lane so hard he loses control and pile-drives a pack of about 10 of those annoying pack-STP jack-offs into the afterlife. Or better yet, maims the most egregious scoff-law riders and kills their friends so they have to spend the rest of their life with the realization their donkey riding got their friends killed.
I want a "tragedy" so epic that it ends that stupid, hateful event for all time.
I would not cry for them at all. I would celebrate a great deal, in fact.
Open memo to the STP: I hate you with every fiber of my being. Go away, and stay away.
And no, this is not intended light-hearted or tongue in cheek. I really, truly, genuinely despise you that much.
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