Is that a monkey under your blouse or are you just happy to see me?

I know we all feel safer due to the restrictions instituted at airports (insert eyeroll here). 

I mean, it is so pleasant to take off your shoes and belt knowing it is really an exercise in futility and pointlessness that stops only the stupidest of terrorists and annoys everyone else. Oh, and may not even stop the stupidest terrorists...now might be a good time to point out that in the last week I have spoken myself to two people who inadvertently carried illegal pocket knives onto planes when they forgot to remove them from their pants pockets...and did not set off the alarms. Yeah, nice system, TSA.

So clearly, all the extra time we waste at the airport helps us feel safer. Helps, that is, assuming we are moronic, incompetent goobers ourselves who have no comprehension of the real situation.

But there is an upside. The enhanced "security" has led to an uptick in catching people smuggling. A simple search of past writings on this blog alone reveals smugglings of a midget,277 parrots, 2 each of cows and goats (on a bicycle!), iguanas in both an artificial leg and a bra, snakes on a plane ironically enough,  175 chameleons, crocodiles, fish, and so forth. 

Now, I know you would think they had about ran the gamut of, ah, brilliant ways to smuggle animals from country to country. No, my friend, you underestimate the boredom that occurs when people live in places like Spokane, Washington. 

Since there is essentially nothing to do there except look out the window at huge piles of filthy snow or perhaps dream of moving, people have the time to get creative. 

Take Gypsy Lawson, for example. She and her mom like monkeys, apparently. Specifically, they like Thailand rhesus monkeys. How fun would it be to own one?

Oh, sure, it would be illegal...but that is beside the point! Think of how FUN it would be.

So they flew over to Thailand. Then they came back to the U.S.

Funny thing. When she was in Thailand, Gypsy got pregnant. I mean really, really pregnant. So pregnant that it showed.

Well, okay, so not REALLY pregnant. It was actually a "sedated rhesus monkey" she put under her blouse and tried to smuggle in. 

How on earth was such a clever plan foiled? I am mystified. And for once, my helpful "Crime Planning for Safety Service" has no help for her.