The name game

I have decided my name is simply not dynamic enough. If I want to rule the world from my evil hot air balloon...and I do...then I must have a name that as soon as people hear they start cheering or cringing or...well, just anything except yawning.

That is terrible. I carry an "Aaaaahhhh" noisemaker around so people think I am a doctor. People start to yawn, I push the button, it sounds "aaaaaahhhh" and I say, "Yep, those tonsils are looking good."Of course, this can be embarrassing if someone I try this on has had their tonsils removed. I guess for some crazy reason people assume doctors actually recognize tonsils when they see them. I myself have never seen the point. After all, it isn't like you are going to run into one on the street.

"Hello, Mr. Tonsil. You used to belong to John, didn't you?"

See what I mean? If you ran into a tonsil, would you have that conversation? Of course not. So why think anyone else would recognize your tonsils?

So having conclusively proven that "Drew", while a fine name with a good history behind it, simply isn't good enough, I have embarked on a search for a new name. I thought about taking the Homer Simpson route...you know, Max Power? The only one he spelled right? The one he got off a hair dryer? The inside joke of bald homer having a hair dryer in the first place still cracks me up.

I, meanwhile, with a whole head of hair, have no hair dryer. I suppose at some point I should throw that head away. People see it and think I have a giant cat hurling hairballs. You of course know it is just the hair I started making a ball out of as it fell off until it looked like a giant head.

The next name idea came from my on-again, off-again desire to be a stand up comic. One of the greatest fears any comic has is telling their jokes to a deafening silence. Laughter is a must. So I thought maybe a funny name would help me out. I could call myself Truth. After all, people have laughed at truth for years. Remember the people mocking Galileo for claiming that nutso stuff? (never mind the historical reality he was not the first to make those claims, nor did anyone care for several years until a rival wanted to discredit him and chose that means. We all know the stories, false thought they may be, of people standing, pointing and laughing). But that might be presumptuous. After all, what is funnier than Truth?

Why, male truth, of course. And as an affirmed male, I would be Male Truth, and if that were my name, I would then be male truth personified. No matter what I said, all people would hear would be penis. That seems to be the socially accepted translation for male truth.

Then I thought I might change my name to The Administration. After all, anytime you put "The" in front of something it automatically inspires awe. And I think it is a great comic name. After all, when is the last time you didn't laugh when someone talked about The Administration? (Probably the last time you really knew what was going on in the world, but that eviscerates my joke so we will assume you don't "get" it.)

Finally, I hit on the perfect name. I shall call myself Progress. When people cheer for me you could say they were making me...so they are making Progress. When people advance they would shout my name..."We will Progress to the next grade!" They will come to think they are following in my footsteps. Even better, if someone gets in my way I can simply say, "Excuse me, but you are blocking the path of Progress."

But after all is said and done, I am named for Dad so I will stick with what I have. After all, that is how he Drew it up.