The truth about Santa Claus

One day in the middle of February Santa got up early. This was a shock to the elves. Normally he got home from his rounds December 26th, shaved, and started drinking celebratory eggnog and all the milk kids had left out for him.

Of course, because it took him so long to get to the milk and eggnog they typically fermented before he could drink it all which invariably sent him on a six month drunk. This in turn made the networks happy as they could then show his fevered search for ways to get enough toys built the next Christmas season. It seemed he was always behind schedule.

The truth of the matter was Kris Kringle really did not like the beard, he just never had time to shave it in his rush to find an extra reindeer, get all the toys made, figure out who had been naughty and who had been nice, and, most important of all, helped Jimmy and Judy and the Crazy Quilt Dragon and the Cinnamon Bear find the star for the top of their tree.

Something was different this year. Santa woke in February! His beard was still mere stubble, not the familiar mass of gray beard reminiscent of a Hell's Angel on his Harley who revered ZZ Top and strove to look like them.

The elves scrambled to their positions making obscure toys that had not been seen outside of Santa's workshop in nearly a century. This included things such as mumblety pegs, wooden trains that had no tracks, stick horses, and so forth.

"Good morning, Mr. Claus!" they said in unison.

The bleary eyed bushy browed gift giver glared back. "Where is Mrs. Claus?" he replied.

The elves looked at one another. Every year Mrs. Claus went to a spa to relax while Santa slept off his drunk. She was still out touring the world. The last they had heard she was bungee jumping in the alps. How could they tell Santa? He always wondered why they encountered budget constraints. Here the answer was on the verge of being revealed. What oh what could the elves do?




Every so often we see something in the news where someone had like fifty animals that they weren't caring for. And we all think "That's terrible!" and it is. It is needless cruelty to have over crowded conditions, insufficient food and water. I think the same thing every time I walk into someone's office, look around and have to say "You really should dust your plants..." Good thing they are plastic or they would be dead...