Its Time for a List of Reasons for Erratic Drivers

There is an ongoing debate here in Oregon. We, the native Oregonians, blame the influx of drivers from other states for the crappy driving we see every day. After all, we well remember the time when crazy driving was the norm...stuff like using turn signals, leaving space between vehicles, merging at speed, getting over to the left when making a turn so that cars continuing straight could get by. Imported drivers blame Oregon drivers. Neither side will ever convince the other. But I thought I would compile a helpful list of reasons people drive erratically.

5) Cell Phone use. People with already questionable driving skills using phones while driving. In their distraction (and having but 2 hands) they swerve erratically in (hopefully) their lane, vary their speed widely, don't use turn signals, and just generally cause mayhem. Also applies to liquid consumers. Not that I am not amused when you splash hot coffee on yourself, swerve across 4 lanes and take out the guard rail...I am. Very much so. The problem is, I start laughing so hard that I become endangered myself as laughter forces me to jerk the wheel as I convulse.

4) Driving with a dog on the lap. No, I don't think your mutt is cute stretching across your driving arms, inhibiting your vision, and barking. If you can't keep him out of your face then keep him out of your car.

3) Applying make-up while driving. Hey, numbskull, first off...you look fine without it. Seriously, most people I personally know think the ladies look great without the weird eye shadow colors, the bizarre lipstick shades, and so forth. We put up with the make-up for those times we see the real you, not the other way around. But even for the few, the proud, the girls who go from great to va-va-voom with judicious use of the make-up...do it at home. When you are in your car we want you checking your mirror to notice the long line of cars you are holding up, not to see your pretty features.

2) Reading a newspaper/map/book Seriously, who thinks this is a good idea? If it is news, turn on KXL or some other talking head worthless waste of airspace. If it is a book, it will wait. I would rather have you paying attention to the road.

1) All those are, indeed, things that you can correct to improve your driving. But the very best way...and some people might think this relates back to number 3...the very best way to improve your erratic driving is quite simple, really. Stop packing live Water Moccasins and 6' alligators in the passenger seat. I mean, sure, it adds time to your busy day of burglary and drive-in fights, but it would make us feel safer to have you drive just that tiny bit better.