How to lose weight while gaining pounds

We have, as a society...or even a world society...become highly conscious of the weight issue. Fortunately, here in the good ol' U.S. of A, we use the far superior "pound" to determine weight, not the inferior "kilogram".

But what is even better is I can gain pounds and still lose kilograms. It is a scientific fact. Stay with me as I delve a bit into history here.

Seems the French, having "proved" there was no God, decided to create a logical system for weights and measures. And to be fair, the metric system IS pretty easy. Can you count to 10? Then the Metric system is easy. Everything, absolutely everything, is in a multiple of 10. There is no "how many pints to a quart?" type nonsense. There are 10 kiloliters in a liter. 10 kilograms = 1 gram. 10 kilometers...and so forth...10, 10, 10, 10. It is easy.

So why are pounds, yards, quarts, and miles superior? Well, for one thing, a pound is a pound. None of this "a kilogram today is less than it was before" nonsense.

You see, to make sure the measurements were always the same, the created an ironclad proof of what a kilogram was. They made a little piece of metal to be THE measure. This was not "an example" of a kilogram. It literally IS the kilogram. If something else weighs exactly what their metal piece weighs then it is, by definition, a kilogram. If it weights anything else then it is not an exact kilogram.

The only problem that could ever arise with this system of weights and measures based on the inviolate, unalterable standards hidden in a vault in France that could ever arise would be if something were to happen to them. For instance, what if the piece that tells us what a kilogram is suddenly shrunk? Oh, wait...that just happened. On the bright side, if you used to weigh 100 kilograms and you still weigh 100 kilograms, your weight has dropped...