From the "News about irrelevant people" Files

Ah, yes, the good old days...way back when I saw my first porn picture. Dad was driving long haul and we stopped into some seedy little office. This place had not been vaccumed/dusted/mopped/defumigated since approximately two days before it was built. It was so filthy even the dirt had dirt on it. In fact, about the only clean thing in the shop was a poster they had just slapped up on the wall. It was Vanessa Williams wearing some skimpy bikini and for some inexplicable reason a pair of handcuffs.
I doubt I would remember much about it had she not been in the news for having just been stripped (probably a poor choice of words but I think its funny) of her title as Miss USA or Miss Universe or whichever beauty title she had for having appeared in porn pictures and the guys in the office were talking about it and bragging on their poster of the former beauty queen.
Since then the Miss America pageant has become more and more irrelevant. It isn't even on network television anymore. The last I heard it was on Country Music Television...great. Rednecks wearing ballcaps, stained wifebeaters and tighty whities sitting their in their overstuffed easy chair patting their dog with one hand and their....remote with the other getting their pervert jollies by watching underage underweight skanks prance around in their hooker heels and fabric scraps. Well done, CMT. Oh, and can someone explain to me the logic of heels with bikinis? I know when I want to go swimming the first thing I do is grab my Oxfords...those are about the same concept as heels, no?
Well...the Miss America Pageant has found a way to become relevant again. Just crown a pseudo-lesbian rapist coke whore and you make the news.(alleged)
Or whatever you call it when someone 21+ nails someone under the age of consent.
Okay, so now that I got the lead-in and the comedy out of the way, lets look at the allegations a little more seriously:
1) She went to bars although not 21. Uhm...okay...and this is news how? While my non-alcoholic stance is pretty well known and non-negotiable...I also think I am intelligent enough to know that a fairly significant portion of teenagers has been involved in the consumption of alcoholic beverages. If this is a problem you can already eliminate a large percentage of the people in the beauty pageants. Except, of course, for Nicole Ritchie. Not that she is Puritanical....that stuff just has too many calories. Why, if she had a beer she might not weigh 85 lbs anymore...she might instantly shoot all the way up to 85-1/2 pounds or something heinous like that! You don't understand how hard it is to keep her weight to a level where she can reasonably look like she is on stilts when she wears heels.
2) She tested positive for cocaine. Now, cocaine is a serious, serious issue. Of course, the more perceptive among us might wonder...is it so prevalent that they actually need to test for it? If so that speaks volumes as to the benefits we have all received by the relegating to the sidelines of irrelvancy the cattle call known as the beauty pageant. I mean, the BPs provide us with so many benefits...the Jon-Bonet Ramsey travesty, movies like Drop Dead Gorgeous, pre-teen coked up toothpicks....

okay, I am done. I thought it was relevant, turns out it was just a chance for a few jokes or, as punishing as this is....cracks.