Lickety Split its a series of unfortunate jokes

Fair warning: the odor from these first three has been officially declared a violation of the United Nations anti-gas laws.


I went to the store to buy some hot dogs but they were out of Armour Hot Dogs. They did have a lesser known brand so I bought some Hallo weenies.

Some people when they meet you look you in the eye, give a firm hand shake and greeting. Others are a little less firm. They are Hello weenies.

You see these kids trick or treating. There are fierce looking witches and vicious looking storm troopers and Darth Vaders. Then you see the princesses and it is obvious they are Hallo-weenies.



Oof. Those were terrible. Then again, this is a terrible "holiday". Is it even a holiday? I mean, not even the government and schoolteachers and bankers get it off. You know what I mean...stuff like Labor Day where everyone works except the government, teachers, and bankers...or Columbus Day when everyone works except the government, teachers, and bankers...or people's birthdays, when everyone works except government employees...or the first sign of sniffles in the air when everyone works except the gover....oh, you get the picture. So how far down the totem pole is Halloween that not even the government, teachers or bankers get it off? Is it a holiday at all? Or just a pseudo-holiday?
It is really only a holiday for gangsters in training. Seriously. Let's do a little translation.
"Knock knock knock"
Click click click (I like to wear stilettos on Halloween. They are rather noisy)
"Trick or treat"
Stop.
Hold it.
Go no further. That is the phrase we need to examine.
"Trick". A word that refers to what they plan to do. Ranging from "harmless" yet "hilarious" pranks such as egging a house or car, toilet papering a house, dropping a burning sack of dog droppings on a porch and other such stuff that is every bit as funny as Robin Williams Live on Broadway (an hour and a half where I did not laugh once, for the record. so bad I actually could not finish the dvd)
The historical genesis of it was just that...punks out threatening people with "pranks" that could be very harmful. How to avoid the devastation?
"...or treat"
Simply give them candy for free.
So let's translate this phrase:
"Vandalism or bribery!" In other words, give me something for nothing or I vandalize your property. Seems like a fair trade. When the government does it, its taxation, when the mob does it, its racketeering, when kids do it, its trick or treating.
But why stop there? Grab a ski mask for your costume, drop by the bank, and replace "trick or treat" with "I can shoot you or you can give me lots of money". Or just be a Mayor, governor, congressmen, etc. "Go to jail or give me more money than you can afford to so I can give it to other people".
So as we can see Halloween has come full circle. It started out, historically speaking, as bribery...give me a treat or I will give you a trick...say, that might work for a prostitute...give me a treat and I will give you a trick...and has become a training ground for people planning on going into those types of professions. Maybe I don't hate this "holiday" as much as I thought I did.