Sometimes I get nervous

Today I bought my ticket for my winter vacation. I know I talk about it a lot, but I can't help it. Looking forward to the Mexico trip has really been much of my motivation for over a year. When it is tough to get going, to get up in the morning, to stare at the wall, when it all seems so pointless...then I remember; in December I get to go to Mexico with Deb & Gabe, hang out with his family...and I can take that next step.
Yet in some ways it has not been real. There has been the fear that something will come up, something will change, it won;t work out...and, in a way, it was a little liberating. After all, this will be the first major vacation I have taken alone, so to speak.
Not that I will be alone, but Gabe will naturally want to spend time with his family, Deb & Gabe will want some time to themselves, and I know none of the other people, nor am I particularly proficient en la lengua, pero yo trabajo muchas y estudio muchas.
So there will be those times when it is just me and my mind. And sometimes that is still a very scary proposition. Because despite the assurances many people give me that this is not true, sometimes it really feels like I am making no progress. I am just treading water. I am no closer to finishing school than I was a year ago, I still have those trust issues that I might never overcome, I am angrier, more bitter than I was a year or two ago...hardly a picture I want to present.
So not having a ticket in some ways was...liberating. I could theoretically chicken out, come up with an excuse, back out, etc. And now that option is irrevocably (and happily) closed for good.
And it is a little intimidating. There is so much I do not know. There are so many things I have never done before. Just this year, the Mustang is the first car I have bought myself. Always before Dad was there or, to be honest, Andrea did most of the work on all the other car deals.
She did ALL the work on the numerous vacations we took. I tried to help once. That was a memorable fight. I stopped trying to help, she didn't want it. So I never needed to plan much of anything.
Just the last couple years I have actually started doing things for myself. Stuff like joining a basketball league with Kyle, learning how to cook, etc. So I am changing, taking a more active role. But until I have done a particular thing, there is always that nagging doubt that this is where I will be revealed...that I am not as smart as I look, that this is what I can't figure out. The nerves and insecurity are crippling in many ways.
Once the ticket was purchased...well, now I have no excuses, no "outs", etc. And yes, I want very much to go...but it scares me a little too. I might be 34 on the outside...but inside there are times I am nothing but a frightened little boy.