I had to let someone go today

A few of us were standing around chatting when it happened. I made one of my normal, everyday evil remarks. Instantly, the joy of the evil remark came to me. After all, while the task in mind could easily be accomplished legally, safely, and trouble-free, by changing it to an evil task I could make it illegal, dangerous, and cause trouble for others. So naturally, I started my evil laugh.
My minions followed suit, as did my henchman and thugs. Someone, however, messed up. Some errors are forgivable...you are supposed to break someone's leg, you accidentally break both, I can live with that. You are supposed to extort, instead you steal, that can be recovered from. You are supposed to hit the First National and instead knock off US Bank...hey, a simple mistake, we have all been there.
But my minion was doing something much worse. In the middle of our evil laughter, he let loose with an evil giggle.
What? How is that possible? One of the first lessons of evil is how to properly have evil laughter. Oh, sure, you have to start slow...many thugs start with evil chuckles, some with evil guffaws, and I have even heard a few evil chortles. I can live with that. But an evil giggle? Where did that come from?
It is hard enough to be taken seriously as an evil genius these days. We have thug unions, henchman who have to finish their rounds in time to pick up their kids from school, minions with legitimate businesses taking up much of their time, and frankly...evil leaders just aren't respected as much anymore. When is the last time one of my organization members lopped off a horse head and dropped it in the bed of someone who displeased me?
Additionally, we are somewhat challenged in the sartorial realm. Sure, pin-stripe suits and fedoras are all the rage in movies, but on the street...well, let's face it, they look pretty outdated. And that is without even talking about spats...
So if we evil people are to be taken seriously we definitely need to maintain certain boundaries. And one of those boundaries is the evil laugh.
The evil laugh is a long and cherished tradition. Actions that might otherwise seem to be motivated by fear, anger, hatred or personal gain are instead shown to be done simply for the sake of evil. That is the power of an evil laugh. Helpless victims who have withstood hours of torture become blabbering, blubbering stooges when faced with the power of an evil laugh. You know we evil people are winning when that beautiful chorus of evil chuckles, grins, guffaws, chortles, and laughs roars forth.
So when I heard that evil giggle I had to act fast. Instantly I made my minions turn off their Segways. I made the thugs stop pounding kneecaps. I even made the henchman stop the whisper of bills as they paid off the cops who turn Stevie Wonder eyes on my doings so I could ascertain exactly who was disparaging my ineffable evil doings with their evil giggle.
Let's all hope he knows how to swim.
And I have an opening in my organization. Naturally, you can't start at minion stage. Your Segway has to be earned through trials, hard ships, knee breakings, extortions, gambling rings, and thug training school where you will be taught valuable skills such as Strong-arming 101 and how to laugh evilly. But the upward mobility is endless. Call now, henchman are standing by.