Sometimes you just need to see an antelope

Mostly because it lets you know insects do indeed have marriage. Wow, talk about a stupid joke to lead off this edition...but then again, this edition should not be in existence.
I have ben so fatigued lately that I actually think I fell asleep a couple times at work today...I went to bed very early tonight, but promptly fell wide awake...well, not wide awake...more right on that irritating cusp where I am so tired I cannot fall asleep...but I desperately need the sleep and know it, so I try to fall asleep which wakes me up.
I actually have been wondering lately if it is something health related. There are a couple unexpectedly tender locations I have been noticing. I have mentioned similar things to the doctor before and always felt stupid when it turned out to be something natural. I think I am so nervous because of how far Mom let things get before she went to the doctor.
One thing I certainly hope to avoid is a long, drawn out death process. I do not want to linger for weeks or months in a bedridden state. I also do not want to reach a point where I am just hanging out waiting for death to claim me and have lost all interest in life.
I think I am probably terrified of growing old alone, also, but at the same time that fear prevents me from getting too close to anyone. I guess I am more afraid of going through the pain of betrayal and heartbreak than I am of aging alone.
It is a weird place to be. From time to time I have wondered what might have been with a person or two if I were more open. But I am not willing to be more open because even with the limited amount I open up to people they too often seem to find a way to turn back on me.
Maybe I have just become too sensitive. I have never been noted for my sensitivity and probably never will be. I am loud mouth, brash, obnoxious, and try too hard sometimes to be funny. But maybe that uncouth exterior just hides a frightened little boy who thinks he is incapable of taking on this big bad world that has a habit of beating him down.
Or maybe it is just too hot to sleep. Either way, I need to figure out how to get my mind under control.
Age never used to bother me. I think turning 34 Saturday is really screwing with me. I seriously wonder if I am having a mid-life crisis or maybe it is just the changing interactions with my siblings.
Deb & Gabe are looking at houses and thinking about children. Kenneth and Kevin spend a lot of time thinking and talking about their kids...as they should...as does Kyle. Come to think of it, add Alan to that list. Phillip has a girlfriend with whom he is deeply involved...I alone of the people I usually hang out with spend the majority of my time in my own world.
There was one not too awful long ago that I thought there was some potential...to this day I doubt she knows how badly what she said hurt. I admit to being a jerk in many ways but one thing I never have and never will do is "take advantage" of a girl or even be even mildly aggressive. I am quite passive and have firm boundaries I will not cross.
Then again, maybe it is something else that makes me hold people at arms length. It seems there are many people interested in being my mother and some my daughter but none in being a partner, someone who shares equally and lets me do the same. Who covers my weak points and lets me help with hers. Who actually uses her mind, has interests, and keeps them.
No clue what turned my thoughts this way tonight. Perhaps that stupid picture I found when looking for tapes for my project. I think the time has come to hit the hay but as Scarlett would say, Tomorrow...is another day.