Home cooking and thundering bbqs

Last summer I was working hard to reinvent certain parts of myself. My original plan was pretty simple. BBQ, baby. I would become a master barbecuer. I would bbq everything. I started small, with hot dogs...but I had turkey burgers, steaks, even chicken lined up. And I worked at getting them going.
There are two ironies here. The first is that I don't like barbecue sauce. Nor do I like other marinades. I don't particularly like spices. In fact, I cannot think of any sauce or condiment I used other than Lawrys Seasoning Salt and regular salt. So it is pretty funny that I chose barbecue for my mode of cooking.
My plan was to bbq not just in the summer, but the winter also. Sure, it would be cold...but I figured the grill would radiate a little bit of heat.
So I started with the hot dogs. It proved problematic to build up the right base of coals. I could typically get one section of the grill warm, but the other three would not burn. Also, the one I did get going would be fitful. This was okay for hot dogs...but the hamburgers were not cool, and the steak...well, one portion charred black while the other side I could chill my soda pop with. I am not a good fire builder.
Fortunately, technology has provided the men of the grill with the proper tools to fix this problem. You may have heard of it. Lighter fluid, baby. Lots of it. Like, I would spray a half a can on. Then I would let it soak for 10 - 15 minutes. Then I would put in the other half of the can. Oh, yeah. Flames about 5' high were mine now. Of course, since I am barbecuing on a small balcony, that can cause problems, so it was always fun trying to stay close enough to the grill to stamp out any sparks while still far enough to avoid 3rd degree burns over 82% of my body.
I got sunburns from sitting in the lawn chair waiting for my baby to die down. Finally the flames would retract to a reasonable level so I would put the lid on to try and build that white hot base that would let me grill evenly. This would typically kill the fire that had been so glorious moments earlier.
One day I had enough of half cooked meat. I had about three bottles of lighter fluid. The first one went on, the thing sat there for probably an hour because I got a phone call from someone I had a crush on at the time. Well, I forgot I had put a bottle on...so I put on a second one.
Then I dropped a match in. I say dropped because after putting a 1/2 bottle in as I typically did, the flames tended to take off in a hurry. This time they did not, so I ended up starting small fires in about 6 spots around it. Then all the lighter fluid I had soaked it down with took off.
I like to think I have a somewhat prudent side, so I went and got a jug of water. I fought my way through the flames to the porch so I could watch carefully. It took probably ten minutes before I thought I could put the lid on. Soon, I put on a steak. Juicy, succulent, tasty Omaha Filet Mignon. Mmm....
After a few minutes I went to check on the progress. The lid was so hot I needed to use an oven mitt. No problem. So I flipped the steak, and the phone rang. I put the lid back, but forgot to take the oven mitt with me.
Did you know cotton burns? And pretty well? I was talking on the phone, turned, and saw the top of my bbq wreathed in flames. I made my apologies, ran over, knocked the flaming mitt to the porch, stomped it out and poured water on it.
Did you know that burning cotton sticks to the surface it is burning on? So I ran back to the kitchen to refill my jug of water. The top of the grill now had flames two or three feet high. Wouldn't you know my neighbors, who are NEVER in their back yard, chose this day to be out there...with a bunch of their friends?
So I casually set the jug down and walk out on the porch, trying to play it off as if everything is normal. Their voices carried, though...and I heard them saying, "Does that dude know his grill is on fire?" So I casually reached inside, grabbed the jug, and put the fire out.
When all this started, it was a nice, fire-red grill. Now, it was a nice, charcoal-black grill. And it had some new air holes in the top...
That is the story of how I became the first person in history to burn down a barbecue grill.