What a weird night last night was. First, had a weird nightmare about running into the ex. She was all trying to be apologetic for everything she did...which already put me in that state where I knew I was dreaming in real life but not in the dream where it felt very real but I could not wake up to stop the dream that thought it was real life...
Even worse, there was no forgiveness in my heart and there has to be. Some day I will stand before God seeking forgiveness for my failings. If I cannot find it in my heart to forgive that done to me, why should He forgive me?
Anyway, fresh off my rude rejection of the overtures towards asking that, I went straight into a deep funk...in my dream...about Mom dying. It was all so real again as if it happened yesterday.
I remembered her weaker moments when she knew she was days away. I remembered her moments of greatness earlier when she was healthy and still able to perform her motherly functions. And it really, really got me down in the dream, even though in real life I still knew I was dreaming...but it was vivid and fresh again.
I don't know how to explain it...it was kind of like i was controlling the dream except it kept not realizing I was controlling it and going in horrid directions. And I would try to yank it back to where it was supposed to be.
And even knowing I was dreaming the emotions of the dream were vivid and real in real life.
And when I woke up this morning, I realized Saturday, the day we are cleaning up Grandmas place to sell after her recent death...is the 16th anniversary of Mom dying.
What I wanted to say - Dear Tootie, You are no longer suffering, and for that I am grateful. I've gone through so many feelings since you left this world Saturday. Grief, relief...
1 week ago