On music

I will probably never be confused with the great music aficionados of our time. I neither know know care who is the "frontman" or lead singer or drummer or guitarist of any particular band is/was/will be. I have never followed the transition as Joe Schmo Band became the Joe Cool Band which led to the Cool Moe Joe band which splintered into the Cup of Joe and Schmo Jo Motion bands. I don't know which bands influence others and which ones derive from others. It just...doesn't....matter.

What I do know is whether I like any given song or not. It is easy for me to determine that. Is the sound pleasing to the ear? Does it have a nice rythym? Then I probably like it. Does the "artist" cover for lack of vocal talent by screaming? Do they try to cover a lack of instrumental talent with sheer volume and white noise? Then I probably don't.

Of course, there are some out there who do neither. Early in her career Britney Spears (whose name I neither know nor care whether it is spelled correctly...I suppose I could look it up, it just doesn't seem important) was, to me, very enjoyable to listen to. Her early stuff like Hit Me Baby One More Time and Oops, I did it Again (and I should point out...I really don't know if those are the accurate song titles or not. Like the band histories/members/origins....don't know, don't care what accurate song titles are.) were fun songs. They were bright, bouncy, sounded good, and did a good job of hiding her flaws (musical flaws...we won't get into personal flaws here. yet.). Later she put out a "romantic" cd that was inflicted on my ear drums at one point. Soft, romantic music has a place...at the risk of losing all credibility as a human being I will cop to enjoying some of Christina Aguilera's softer music, same with Beyonce and yes...even Paula Abdul...but that place is on people who can perform it.

For example, Fergie...who oddly enough, I know comes from the Black Eyed Peas...is good at one thing. Vacuous lyrics that let her shake her breasts and butt. When she was part of the BEP I saw a couple of videos. I commented at that time that her entire role seemed to be eye candy...as near as I could tell she never sang at all. I could be wrong, I only saw bits and pieces of 2 or 3 videos. Then she started her solo career. Her first 2 or 3 songs...or 4, I don't know, they all sort of run together...she did a good job of hiding her voice with multiple tracks, plenty of instruments, and when she was out there alone for all to hear it was just spelling...Fergilicious, Glamourous...well, neither was a classic by any stretch of the imagination and the lyrics will hardly stand the test of time ("I am up in the gym/just workin' on my fitness" classifies as one of the absolute lamest lines of all radio-dom...or dumb, however you wish to spell it) but they did great at what they were trying to do...move Fergie into a solo career. They took her strengths...being eye candy...and hid her weaknesses...vocal talent...very well. But that was not enough for her so she tried a "serious" song. The first few times I heard it, as the first few lines came over the radio I commented on how bad the voice was of whoever it was...and it was her. Frankly, her breathy, husky, off-key warbling is pretty bad if you take away the "this is Fergie" and just go by how it sounds. It sounds like crap. She is a terrible, terrible "mood" singer. What she does well is fine, what she does horribly...why does she feel compelled to do it? She cannot compete vocally with a Madonna, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Celine Dion....or even with a Christina Aguilera. And there is a reason I change the station when 4 of the 5 come on the radio...I might appreciate their talent, I just don't enjoy their music. And they do it better than Fergie. Much better.

She needs to keep doing what she does well...dance type music....and stay the smurf away from la musica romantica lest she have a sporktacular career implosion. It is not that hard to learn.

By the same token, you have artists like the Pussycat Dolls with similar talent...they look good, wear little, and move great...and every song they come out with is "featuring" or "with" someone who handles the singing work for them. I actually commend them for this. They have a formula that works well; Snoop Dogg raps, they dance. Timbaland raps, they dance. Timberlake sings, they dance. And the results? Hit after hit after hit. Nobody gets hurt in the eardrums...though there may be a few shattered pelvises from attempting to imitate their moves, I don't know. They don't try to do something they can't...namely, carry an album on the strength of their voices.

Next post we will talk about a trend in music where artists, whether talented musically or not, seem to have unearthed a new means of writing songs that makes some of the above stuff look remarkably talented. I know you can hardly wait. :-)