A few jokes I tried to write that just did not work

Imagine the scene; open mic night, a fresh young...okay, not too fresh, sort of middle aged...face in comedy at the mic talking about...well, if you want to be a low level stand-up comic you pretty much need to talk about alcohol and being drunk.

"My biggest terror in drving is being pulled over for drunk driving. Drunk, stoned, stone cold sober, it doesn't matter...there is no way I am passing that test. I lose on the first question...

The officer says 'Sir, please recite the alphabet.'

Recite the alphabet? What...am I in kindergarten? Pre-school? It has been so long since I learned the alphabet I have no chance at that.

So I start out singing that stupid little song. You know the one, "A-B-C-I-E"

and about that point he stops me because I already blew it. You can hear the incredulity in his voice. "C-I-E? You really are drunk."

And I would pop off with 'At least I know my spelling rules. I before E except after c....'
(hopefully wait for a big laugh here)

But really, if they want to do a drunk driving test they could save a lot of time. No need for that recite the alphabet, walk the line, touch your nose nonsense that most of us probably couldn't do this very moment. Nope. Just ask one question...have the officer ask, 'Sir, what do you think of me?'

There are two ways to answer that.

'I think you are a wonderful person. I love the way you and your fellow officers protect our community and serve our needs. I have nothing but respect for you."

And the second..."You mother smurfing son of a smurf, I think you are about the worst piece of human trash walking the earth today. I hate you and everything about you. If I were walking by and saw you laying in a pool of blood needing help I would pretty much just laugh, maybe spit on you and keep walking."

Now, the first guy would get off because the cop is going to conclude he is sober enough to be lying still in the face of authority. The second guy though is too drunk not to tell the truth so away he goes.

Which brings up an interesting point. If being drunk means you are more honest why is it easier for a drunk guy to get laid?

Then again I am not sure we should let honesty go too far. Imagine if it got into politics. Take the Democrats.
They somehow became the party of Civil Rights. This staggers me. We are talking about the party