It's time for some fart jokes

Well, we are now approaching an all time low. I have brought you spork jokes, jokes about deaths, major tragedies, minor tragedies, stupid criminals, stupid public officials (or is that redundant?), and even stupid ways people try to get in the Guinness Book of World Pointlessness. I have told jokes about condoms, about animals, and virtually every topic imaginable. But never have we stooped to that most basic...the fart joke.

Until today.

Because today we find a fart so powerful it grounded a plane. Well, okay, so it wasn't actually the fart that grounded the plane...it was the moron lighting matches to "cover the smell" that grounded it. Strange that people in flight would be nervous about the smell of burning sulphur.

Which sort of brings up an interesting question. In our hyper security conscious world where failure to remove your belt gets you pulled aside for special, custom screening, how does one sneak matches on board a plane? I suppose if one were a clever criminal there might be some way, some sneaky method by which the criminal could work aboard some matches through some brilliant subterfuge...but that is not what happened here. No, this woman was dumb enough to "hide" her odorific outpouring of maladiferous human scent by lighting a match on an in-flight plane. I hardly think we need plunge the depths of the "brilliant criminal minds of history" file to ascertain the lofty levels of her intellect.

And who on earth decided in the first place that, "It is considered polite to light a match after passing gas."
Who exactly decided this? Was there an "Annual Convention Of Fart Enthusiasts" who laid out the "Top 10 Rules For Farting Courtesy"? To me it sounds more like a handful of juveniles trying the old urban legend about lighting a match behind your butt when you fart to create an explosion...an experiment, by the way, some military friends have claimed to have attempted and succeded. While this is nowhere near as entertaining as the genius that lit a firecracker and inserted it in his sphincter, it is yet another opportunity to point out that yeah...people really like screwing with their butts.

But back to the question of flatulent politeness...is there a book somewhere? How do I know what is and what isn't acceptable? Should I carry around an air freshener for those inconvenient moments? A book of matches? Some of those new fart suppressant underwear? Yes, I wish I was joking about that last line/product...but I am not. Smeone actually produces them.

It is plain to see (just in case you missed the subtle but still not funny joke...in an article about a plane I said plain...hahahaha okay, i am better now) that lighting a match to cover your scent might be polite but if you are on a plane, plainly you have better options than lighting a match.