Combat shopping

Now, as fun as shopping is, here is a fun little observation from my longtime friend Slacker. Read & return to meet me on the other side.
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By the way, if one of my technofile readers could help me out, how do I turn links from the unsightly and lengthy mess seen above into one that says something cool like "go here" that you click on to follow the link? Help!
Meanwhile, since you have read this entertaining and fairly accurate bit of work, I need to point out a few flaws. To start with, as abhorrent as grocery shopping is, there is a need we all have that is more omnipresent, more insidious, more devastating to the soul and it must happen with more frequency. That is the trip to the gas station.
Oh, we stall as long as we can. we put it off. Not that we don't enjoy every efervescent second of inhaling the inescapable fumes. In fact, there are only a select few odors more maladiferous. For example, what is more pleasing than the scent of an infant who has decided they are quite through with the energy garnered from strained peas? Diaper pails were invented for a reason. As near as I can tell, that reason is to make sure we can keep the efforts of the infants close to us as long as possible. What are people thinking that get the Costco size diaper pails? You really, really think it is a good idea to let that stuff build up? I guess the only thing that would be more fun would be to use the kitchen garbage can. At least it would cover up some of the cooking smells...
I guess the other fun one is guy's bathrooms. In the classic Meet the Fockers we were gifted with the line, "If it's yellow, let it mellow..." line. Too many guys took that serious. Walk into any all-male restroom in the U.S. that has more than one urinal and it is a virtual guarantee someone took that advice to heart and is intent on letting their efforts remain and fester, creating a distinct...and distinctly unpleasant...aroma of male...well, they would argue virility, I would argue stupidity. Not that I don't enjoy walking into any given restroom and having the scent of stale urine wash over me, it is just I can think of millions of things I enjoy more...like listening to fingernails on a chalkboard or Roseanne Barr expounding on her philosophy of life.
How did I get here? Let's see, Rosanne Barr...bag of gas...oh, yes, the thing I put off as long as possible, going to the gas station. When you get there if you, like me, are cheap and select your station based on proximity and price, the best reasons ever, you often find yourself in with a lowest common denominator crowd. Belly baring tattood chain smoking grunts who are in such a hurry to get another 40 pack of the cheap beer of the week and a carton of those perfumed instruments of redneck identity, cigarettes that they can't wait....if there is a line, they hover in their cars, hunched over the steering wheel, glaring at each new car, afraid it might jump their place in line and get that gallon of gas an extra minute early. Whatever. losers.
Of course, all this has merely been an elaborate feint meant to throw you off the scent...of the trail of thought about grocery stores, you sicko. Al claims to get in and out of the grocery store in 25 minutes. What a slowpoke. There is no excuse whatsoever for taking that long. No, shopping is best done commando style.
First off, you have to plan. No trips during mid or end month when the trailer park trash element are bringing their 47 each squalling brats into the store to use their allotment of food stamps on their handy Oregon Trail Card. I made that mistake once. The 14th through the 18th and 29th through the 4th you can just take a big black marker to. No point to approaching the store during those periods. Much like airline miles, those are strictly observed blackout dates. If you are hungry and out of food just plan to eat out. Safer and happier.
What is awesome is everybody and their mother SHOULD know the store will be packed that day...and still the stores fill maybe 1/2 their checkstands with checkers. What the blue smurf are they thinking? If people have to stand in line longer they will buy more stuff? Maybe band-aids after the screming cart bashing line-place fights, and probably some aspirin and beer to get over the headache, but otherwise...no, no point.
By avoiding these key dates you eliminate a great deal of the slow-poke crowd. Step 2 is to make a list. Plan your meals for the next ever so long. Do not deviate. If you want say...tacos, do it in order. None of this to the back of the store for the meat, back to the front for the shells, then to the back again for the cheese, then to the middle for seasoning nonsense. Take it an aisle at a time, get what you need, and get out. By sticking to the plan you can avoid those impulse buys that don't respect you in the morning. "Coffee bean with milquetoast Ice Cream? Was I high?" that sort of thing.
No, by careful planning involving timing and proper store layout maneuvering you can easily be in and out in 10 minutes or less. It seriously takes me longer to unpack the car than it does to shop in the first place. So while Al clocks in at 25 minutes, I can only say....Amateur!