So I was driving out to St. Helens today...

One of my really, really bad habits is sign reading when I am driving. This is particularly true at places where A) I know they change the signs frequently, and B) places where the often have mildly humorous signs. Ichabods in Scappoose is one of those places.
So as I am driving out there I look over to see their sign.
"Safe and Sober Bingo" it says.
Hmm. What do you normally have? Dangerous and stoned Bingo? Drunken riot Bingo? I have this sudden picture of all these Grandmas rolling around with their 40s in one hand and Mace in the other. "I'll teach you to Bingo me!" she screams, spraying her Mace in the general vicinity of her rival.
This, of course, is met with a caneing that is only stopped when some other Grandma loses control of her electric wheelchair when she is blinded my hte misfiring Mace and therefore rampages over two or three other combatants. Cries of "Medic!" echo throughout the hall, almost drowning the mellifluous tones of the auctioneer come square dance caller come Bingo caller..."B-17. That's B-17. Elizabeth, turn of your wheelchair."
This, of course, gets all the Grannies in a huff. They might all be on walkers and canes and wheelchairs with hearing aids the size of the helium pump for the Goodyear Blimp, but no young whippersnapper is going to reference that. After all, they have their dignity. So she hitches her skirts up almost an entire quarter inch off the floor, jambs her pince-nez glasses so far up her beak that they actually function as glasses instead of nose-hair ornaments, and wheels her walker up to the stage where she bends down, rips off one of the tennis-ball feet coverings and pelts him with it. Not to be outdone, several other erstwhile Bingo-players unleash a hail of split-open tennis balls. Unfortunately, their aim is not so good. Instead of a tennis ball version of the arrow flight scene from Gladiator or Troy we get the rain scene from Singin' in the Rain. Bingo cards scatter as random projectiles land hither and yither...they would have landed yon, but he saw trouble developing and left early.
Yes, Bingo riots are a thing to be feared almost as much as the soccer riots of fans in Europe and South America. I believe we are all familiar with the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a rioting Bingo Grandma." Oh, you laugh now, but you think the soccer moms are a powerful voting block? Rioting Bingo Grandmas have the AARP behind them, and every politician worth his rigged election knows better than to anger them, yes indeed. So I have to say I come out squarely behind Safe and Sober Bingo. After all, I am third on the list to go into the war zone as a registered Bingo Caller. Frankly, I would rather go to Iraq. It's safer.