What you have all been waiting for

My New Years Resolutions. Of course, being the wonderful, smart, intelligent, charming, funny individual I am, so few things need changed. (Editor's note: Previous statement may contain lies. Lots of them. In fact, it is possible there was no truth whatsoever in that entire statement. How sad.)
One thing certainly does need changed, though. Some phrases have fallen out of favor and their use has declined precipitously. I am here to change that back to the way things are meant to be. So here is a list of phrases we need to use more in 2006...and maybe even a couple reasons why.

"smurf" because you just can't say smurf enough. It is the ultimate utilitarian word, and if you disagree I am simply going to have to smurf-slap you, you smurfing Philistine.

Minions; because unlike thugs, henchman, stooges, followers, go-fers, underlings, cronies, and subordinates, minions are cool. They ride Segways, and what isn't cool about that?

"My lawyers will be in touch...when they get out in 20 to life" because there is something inherently funny about threatening people with lawyers so incompetent as to get themselves sentenced to 20 to life. Also, threatening people with lawyers over such crimes as telling a funny joke, again, is inherently funny. If I were you, I would laugh, because otherwise, my smurfing lawyers will be all over your smurf when their minions pick them up when they get out in 20 to life.

"The Junior Woodchuck Guidebook says..." because the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook has all the answers. How can you worry about anything when you have the answers? Smurfing right, you can't.

I am sure there are more, but those will do for now. We have a full plate just raising these vital terms to national consciousness. And for those who fail, would you like a spanking? (for a reminder of the genesisi of this "joke", go here: http://darthweasel.blogspot.com/2005/11/string-cheese-and-string-guitars.html still not funny, but...whatever.)