Curcumstantial Joy

Dad used to tell me that circumstances did not make a person happy...they found joy within. He had a favorite example of a person who was quite into the "city life", who dreamed of moving to California to play with the bright lights, exciting nightlife, big city options, and so forth.
Now, I think I learned respect and love for my parents for the most part at a relatively young age, but this was one thing that always made me think, "huh?" It was something I would listen to but had my reservations about.
As life went on, at one point, relatively early, I seemed to have it made. I was maybe 25, married to a decent looking girl, we had new cars, a house, we had regular barbecues with our friends where we would play ping-pong, pool, foosball, cards, volleyball in the back yard, or just hang out and talk. My family was around a lot, her family was around, some of them even living with us...and I admit it. I was happy.
She wasn't. She wanted a nicer new car. A bigger ring. And so on. So I went after it. I left a job I loved for one that was worth more money. But I liked it less. She went after a big paying job. She had brains when she wanted, and she got it. I was still happy, although less so. We went on trips. We visited Great America one year, Disneyland the next (and Knottsberry Farm and Universal Studios), and Walt Disney World the next. Along the way I learned something about myself.
I was the combat theme park guy. Get there early, hit the big rides with no lines, then hit them again. She liked to enjoy the ambience of the park. At first I was not on board with that and so she went my way. Then I figured out...if I really wanted to make HER happy instead of me, I should do the park her way. So when we were at Disney World and Universal Studios Florida we did the parks her way, and again at Disney the next year. Yeah, I could be happy by sharing another person's joy.
Life went on and sure enough...that wasn't enough for her. She needed more to be happy. Another bigger ring. A newer, more expensive car. A move to Portland sandwhiched around 2 or 3 affairs (I forget the affair sequence now, she had so many they kind of all run together.) Would Portland make her happy?
No, I needed a HIGHER paying job even than the one I had...which paid more than either of the prior two. Eventually it was obvious to me that life with her would never be happy. Just as Dad had said, the person who is not happy where they are cannot be happy elsewhere, either.
To further illustrate his point, the guy who had moved to California chasing the dream of excitement was back. Seems L.A. is no more exciting than right here in humble little Portland if you don't have people to share it with. And in the meantime, he has missed years of opportunity for compainonship. He is a lonely middle age man now...and I don't know if that can change.
It gets me to thinking about myself. Am I happy? If not, why not? What can I change?
Certainly, some things are obvious. While sometimes I enjoy the scholastic experience, the truth is the whole reason I started was to make Andrea happy. As anyone who knows her realizes that is simply impossible. School does nothing for me. I don't care about money enough to seek that high paying job. I don't need status or prestige. I do not want to support a family. I don't want that pressure...and I don't think I realized that until I just typed that.
Is that true? I mean, I look at Kenneth and Stanica and sometimes I am a little jealous. She is a total sweetheart. She is always solicitous of his wants and desires, often to the detriment of her own. But I see her bring out a side in him I had never seen, either...a genuine care and commitment to the WANTS, not needs but wants of others than himself. Well, there was one exception, but that is not for public consumption as the things surrounding Mom's death are still too raw for some of the family.
So there is a good side. And the joy in their face when they look at Isaac...I look forward to seeing him grow. That should be pleasurable. I hope Deb & Gabe, Pam & Niche can have kids if that is their desire. And that Phillip winds up with a sweet girl, perhaps Tracy...she seems nice.
But I don't think I want that for me. I am afraid of it. I would be a horrible Dad and I don't want to bring a kid into a world where I would be the father. That is the ironclad truth.
And if I am not happy now...I would not be happy just because another person was around. I think I am becoming more bitter as the days pass, not less so. And I don't want to inflict THAT on another person either.
Dad was right. If I am not happy in my current circumstances, I won't be happy in others either. Every circumstance comes with its own difficulties and its own rewards. It is something we all have to learn...it is just too bad it took me so long to learn it.